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Children need to feel that they are respected. Therefore, the attitude towards them should be the most attentive, the treatment - polite and courteous. Children need to be valued and seen as full-fledged people, and not "appendage" to their parents, who can be pushed around at their own discretion. Children need to be respected as independent individuals with their own will and desires.

If you treat a child without due respect, his self-esteem will drop sharply, he will defiantly behave with others. Eventually, he will get completely out of hand. Children whose parents treat them as second-class creatures often simply believe that something is wrong with them - often this becomes their subconscious belief.

Children must be treated with the same respect that we ourselves demand. For example, the phrase “Sorry, honey, now I don’t have a single free minute” is as easy to say as the phrase “Stop pulling me! Can't you see I'm busy? The first will take you no more time than the second. But these phrases will affect the child in completely different ways. Ordinary politeness can sometimes make the strongest impression.

For a child - even for a teenager who pretends that everything is indifferent to him - in fact, literally everything is important: the opinions of his parents, their attitude towards everyone and everything, their actions.

Indelicacy, rudeness, inattentive behavior on the part of adults are often the result of our imprudence. We forget that children have the same needs as adults, and we do not think about how children are affected by what and how we say.

If you treat your child with respect, he will have a great mood and, most likely, your baby will begin to respect other people himself - including his own children over time.

I will try to give examples of how parents can improve their attitude towards children.

Rudeness, impoliteness

I once watched a friend of mine talking to his eight year old son. The boy was enthusiastically telling his father something, but suddenly the phone rang, the father got up and, without saying a word to his son, picked up the phone and started a long conversation. When the boy approached him and tried to continue his story, the father frowned and reprimanded him: “Be polite! Can't you see - I'm talking! ”, The question is, who in this situation behaved impolitely?

What if, when he heard the phone ring, the father said to the boy: “Sorry, Bobby, let me know who it is. I'll be right back". And if he said to the subscriber: “I'm sorry, I'll call you back soon. Now I'm talking to my son"? It would be more than just a tribute - just think what a significant person the boy would feel like.

One day something went wrong at work. Frustrated, I went home earlier than usual. My son had already returned from school, he was sitting at the table in the kitchen eating cornflakes with milk. The refrigerator door was wide open. I began to reprimand my son, calling him a bum and pointing out that food quickly spoils in an open refrigerator and that we cannot afford such expenses. And then my David burst into tears. "Why are you crying?" I yelled. “I accidentally, and you yell at me as if I were a villain,” he replied. “Oh-oh, baby, you might think! ..” - I exclaimed and ran out into the street.

To cool off, I walked around the city for a bit. And gradually it began to dawn on me that my reaction was inadequate to what had happened and that the cause of the outbreak was not my son or the refrigerator at all, but my own bad mood and problems at work. I acted, in fact, as if every night, before going to bed, my boy made a list of "ten ways to make daddy crazy" again. Of course, David didn't leave the refrigerator open on purpose, but I spoke and acted as if the boy had committed a serious offense. I treated him disrespectfully, to put it mildly. Realizing this, I returned home and asked my son for forgiveness.

Lie

Lying is another kind of disrespect. Lies kill children's trust. We seem to let our children know that it is normal that adults can lie in a conversation with younger adults.

Everything starts with small things. For example, you say to a child: “This is for your own good,” although you know perfectly well that in the first place it is for your convenience. Or you make a promise and do not fulfill it, trying to somehow get out. In doing so, we prevent our child from understanding the very essence of lies. Later, by punishing him for lying, we aggravate the situation even more.

On a subconscious level, the emotional stress of a child can reach a huge intensity: after all, he wants his father and mother to be the embodiments of virtue, and at the same time he sees and feels their insincerity. When we get older and begin to realize that parents are ordinary people who can make mistakes and have their own shortcomings, this often causes us surprise and even anxiety.

When communicating with children - especially with children! - Honesty is the best you can think of.

humiliation

If the child makes a mistake or does not obey, and in response we begin to call him rude words (“stupid”, “fool”, “lazy”, “greedy”, “egoist”, etc.) or otherwise humiliate him with a word, intonation or action, then we are being extremely disrespectful. Parents should strive to understand the reasons for the unseemly actions of a son or daughter and help them behave in an appropriate manner.

Inappropriate or excessive anger, irritation or ridicule of parents provoke the child to defend his position with all his might - for example, to respond in kind. The effectiveness of such parental remarks tends to zero. For example, if a high school student who is not very conscientious about his studies is mockingly told that after school he will have to get a job as a dishwasher, "because you will not do anything else without a college degree," this will be both rude and inefficient. And if a teenage girl is told that in such a dress and with such makeup she looks like a prostitute, then in the future she is unlikely to consult with you in anything.

Snub: "listening with half an ear"

Every time we do not listen to our children, get distracted, do not pay attention to them, and even ignore them, we demonstrate our disrespectful attitude towards them. For example, a child says something to us, but we do not answer him or change the topic of conversation, without reacting in any way to what was said. Or we often interrupt the baby in mid-sentence and load him with some tasks. When our friend or relative asks a child, “How are you at school, Annie?” we immediately jump in, answering for Annie. In each of these cases, we act disrespectfully.

Summary

If we want our children to respect themselves and others, then we ourselves must be polite, attentive and respectful with them. We should avoid ridicule, humiliation, shouting: irritability and anger should be kept to a minimum. You need to stop lying, learn to listen more and talk less. You can not perceive children as inanimate objects that should be controlled and manipulated - in children you need to see full-fledged personalities.

Parents need to command less and advise more. You also need to train yourself to say "please", "thank you" and "I'm sorry" - yes, even to your children. It should be remembered that children also have feelings, and how to speak is sometimes even more important than what to say.

This does not mean at all that you and I should turn into saints or that no demands should be made on children. But if a parent understands that his children need respect, and has a good idea of ​​what this respectful relationship should be like, then such a parent will continue to develop and both his children and himself will benefit from this.

The need to feel your own importance

To feel important means for a child to feel his own power, influence, value, to feel that "I do mean something." This need manifests itself at the most tender age.

If children do not feel needed and useful (and this is one of the main children's problems in our time), if they fail to satisfy this need “legally”, children will most likely try to attract attention to themselves by some far from harmless way. They may rebel, become embittered, begin to be impudent, they may contact some kind of gang or gang; become addicted to drugs, begin to have a promiscuous sex life, take the path of crime. Cm.

None of the existing theories of motivation has such an impact on the thinking of leaders as the theory of needs, developed by the great motivation specialist Abraham Maslow.

Maslow's theory allows managers to more fully understand the aspirations and motives of an employee's behavior. Maslow proved that the motivation of people is determined by a wide range of their needs. If earlier managers motivated subordinates almost exclusively with economic incentives, since people's behavior was determined mainly by their needs at lower levels, then thanks to Maslow's theory it became obvious that there are also non-material incentives that make employees do what the organization needs.

Maslow identified five main groups of human needs that are in a dynamic relationship and form a hierarchy (Scheme 1). This can be depicted as ascending steps.

Scheme 1. Hierarchy of needs for human motivation in the order of their priority

The theory of the hierarchy of human needs is based on a pattern: when a need of one level is satisfied, a need for the next, higher level arises. Satisfied need ceases to motivate.

People need to satisfy needs in a certain order - when one group is satisfied, another comes to the fore.

A person rarely reaches a state of complete satisfaction, throughout his life he desires something.

It is necessary to consider motivational groups in more detail.

The needs of this group consist of basic, primary human needs, sometimes even unconscious ones. Sometimes they are called biological needs. These are human needs for food, water, warmth, sleep, rest, clothing, shelter, and the like, necessary for the survival of the organism, the maintenance and continuation of life. In relation to the working environment, they manifest themselves as a need for wages, favorable working conditions, vacations, etc.

High earnings ensure a decent existence, for example, the opportunity to live in a comfortable apartment, eat well, wear necessary, comfortable and fashionable clothes, etc.

To pay for the basic necessities of life of employees, it is necessary to motivate them with long-term benefits, providing them with tangible high income and sufficient remuneration, provide them with breaks from work, days off and holidays to recuperate.

If a person is dominated by only these needs, displacing everything else, then he is little interested in the meaning and content of labor, but mainly cares about increasing his income and improving working conditions.

If a person is deprived of everything, then he will first of all seek to satisfy his physiological needs. As a result, his views on the future may change.

Dissatisfaction of a person can also indicate the dissatisfaction of needs of a higher level than the level of the need, the dissatisfaction of which the employee complains about. For example, when a person thinks they need rest, they may actually feel a need for security rather than a day off or vacation.

If a person has sufficient physiological needs, then he immediately has other needs related to the safety of the body.

This group? one of the main life motivators, it includes both physical (safety, labor protection, improvement of working conditions, etc.) and economic (social guaranteed employment, social insurance in case of illness and old age) security. Meeting the needs of this group provides a person with confidence in the future, reflects the desire to protect themselves from suffering, danger, illness, injury, loss or deprivation. Confidence in the future is acquired through guaranteed employment, the purchase of an insurance policy, pensions, the ability to keep money in banks, through the creation of insurance potential through a decent education.

For those who have suffered severe deprivation at some significant time in their lives, this need is more urgent than for others.

To address the safety needs of employees, the employer needs to:

1) create safe working conditions for employees;

2) provide workers with protective clothing;

3) install special equipment at workplaces;

4) provide workers with safe tools and devices.

Once physiological and safety needs are satisfied, social needs come to the fore.

In this group? needs for friendship, love, communication and emotional connections with each other:

1) have friends and colleagues, communicate with people who pay attention to us, share our joys and concerns;

2) be a member of the team and feel the support and cohesion of the group.

All this is expressed in the desire for warm relations with people, participation in joint events, the creation of formal and informal groups. If a person is satisfied with social needs, then he considers his work as part of a joint activity. Work is a cementing environment for friendship and camaraderie.

The reduction of social relationships (work contacts and informal friendships) often leads to unpleasant emotional experiences, the emergence of an inferiority complex, the feeling of being an outcast of society, etc.

To address the social needs of workers, management should:

1) inspire employees to create groups and teams;

2) create conditions and allow the same group of people to work and play together in order to strengthen and facilitate their relationship;

3) allow all groups to be different from other groups;

4) hold meetings, conferences to exchange professional issues, discuss matters of interest to all and contribute to the solution of professional problems.

When the needs of the three lower levels are satisfied, the person focuses his attention on the satisfaction of personal needs. The needs of this group reflect the desire of people to be strong, competent, confident in themselves and their own position, striving for independence and freedom. This also includes the need for prestige, reputation, service and professional growth, leadership in a team, recognition of personal achievements, respect from others.

Every person is pleased to feel their indispensability. The art of managing people is the ability to make it clear to each employee that his work is very important for the overall success. Good work without recognition leads the employee to disappointment.

In a team, a person feels pleasure from his own role, feels comfortable if he is granted and addressed with well-deserved privileges, different from the general reward system, for his personal contribution and achievements.

The most objective and stable self-esteem is based on the deserved respect of others, and not on external fame, fame or undeserved adulation.

These are spiritual needs. The manifestation of these needs is based on the satisfaction of all previous needs. There is a new dissatisfaction and a new anxiety, until a person does what he likes, otherwise he will not find peace of mind. Spiritual needs find self-expression through creativity, self-realization of the individual.

Man must become what he can be. Every person is surprisingly rich in ideas, but he needs to be convinced of this.

A person's desire for the most complete disclosure of himself, the use of his knowledge and skills, the implementation of his own ideas, the realization of individual talents and abilities, the achievement of everything he wants, to be the best and feel satisfied with his position at the present time is undeniable and is recognized by everyone. This need for self-expression is the highest of all human needs.

In this group, the best, more individual than others, sides and abilities of people are manifested.

Effective people management requires:

1) assign them personal responsibility for the performance of production tasks;

2) to give them the opportunity to express themselves, to realize themselves, giving them a unique, original work that requires ingenuity, and at the same time provide greater freedom in choosing the means to achieve the goals and solve problems.

People who feel the need for power and influence over others and even peers are motivated by the possibility of:

1) manage and control;

2) to convince and influence;

3) compete;

4) lead;

5) achieve goals and objectives.

All this must be supported by praise for good work. It is important for people to realize that they work well and are individual in their own way.

Important for leaders is the fact that all human needs are arranged in a hierarchical order.

lower level needs.

1. Physiological needs.

2. Needs for security and confidence in the future.

3. Social needs (needs of belonging and belonging).

4. The need for respect (recognition and self-affirmation).

Higher level needs.

5. The need for self-realization (self-expression).

First, the needs of lower levels must be satisfied first, and only then can the needs of higher levels be addressed.

In other words, a person who is hungry will first try to find food, and only after eating will he try to build a shelter. You can no longer attract a well-fed person with bread; only those who do not have it are interested in bread.

Living in comfort and security, a person will first be motivated to activity by the need for social contacts, and then will begin to actively seek respect from others.

Only after a person feels inner satisfaction and respect from others, his most important needs will begin to grow in accordance with his potential. But if the situation changes radically, then the most important needs can change dramatically. For example, at some point a worker may sacrifice a physiological need for a safety need.

When a worker whose lower level needs have been met is suddenly faced with the threat of losing his job, his attention immediately shifts to the lower level of needs. If a manager tries to motivate employees whose safety needs (second level) are not yet satisfied by offering a social reward (third level), he will not achieve the desired targeted results.

If at the moment an employee is motivated mainly by the possibility of satisfying security needs, the manager can be sure that as soon as these needs are satisfied, the person will look for an opportunity to satisfy his social needs.

A person never experiences the feeling of complete satisfaction of his needs.

If the needs of a lower level are no longer satisfied, the person will return to this level and remain there not until these needs are completely satisfied, but when these needs are sufficiently satisfied.

It should be borne in mind that the needs of the lower level form the foundation on which the needs of the higher level are built. Only if the needs of the lower level remain satisfied does the manager have a chance to succeed by motivating employees through the satisfaction of the needs of the higher level. In order for a higher level of the hierarchy of needs to begin to influence human behavior, it is not necessary to satisfy the need of a lower level completely. For example, people usually start looking for their place in some community long before their security needs are provided or their physiological needs are completely satisfied.

The key point in the concept, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, is that needs are never satisfied on an all-or-nothing basis. Needs overlap, and a person can be motivated at two or more levels of needs at the same time.

Maslow suggested that the average person satisfies his needs like this:

1) physiological - 85%;

2) security and protection - 70%;

3) love and belonging - 50%;

4) self-respect - 40%;

5) self-actualization - 10%.

However, this hierarchical structure is not always rigid. Maslow noted that although “hierarchical levels of needs may have a fixed order, in fact this hierarchy is far from being so 'rigid'. It is true that for most people their basic needs were in roughly the order shown. However, there are a number of exceptions. There are people for whom, for example, self-respect is more important than love.

From Maslow's point of view, the motives of people's actions are mainly not economic factors, but various needs that cannot always be satisfied with the help of money. From this, he concluded that as the needs of workers are met, labor productivity will also increase.

Maslow's theory made an important contribution to understanding what makes workers work more efficiently. The motivation of people is determined by a wide range of their needs. Persons with high dominance motivation can be divided into two groups.

The first includes those who strive for power for the sake of ruling.

The second group includes those who strive for power in order to achieve the solution of group problems. Emphasis is placed on the need for domination of the second type. Therefore, it is believed that, on the one hand, it is necessary to develop this need among managers, and on the other hand, to enable them to satisfy it.

People who have a strong need for achievement are more likely to become entrepreneurs. They like to do something better than their competitors, they are ready to take responsibility and quite a lot of risk.

A developed need for power is often associated with reaching high levels in the organizational hierarchy. Those who have this need are more likely to make a career, gradually rising up the job ladder.

The lack of an adequate assessment tool to measure self-actualization initially thwarted any attempt to validate Maslow's core claims. However, the development of the Personal Orientation Inventory (POI) has given researchers the ability to measure the values ​​and behaviors associated with self-actualization. This is a self-report questionnaire designed to assess various characteristics of self-actualization in accordance with Maslow's concept. It consists of 150 forced choice statements. From each pair of statements, the respondent must choose the one that best characterizes him.

POI consists of two main scales and ten subscales.

The first main scale measures the extent to which a person is directed at himself, and not directed at others in search of values ​​and the meaning of life (characteristic: autonomy, independence, freedom - dependence, need for approval and acceptance).

The second main scale is called "competence in time". It measures the extent to which a person lives in the present rather than focusing on the past or the future.

Ten additional subscales are designed to measure important elements of self-actualization: the value of self-actualization, existentiality, emotional reactivity, spontaneity, self-interest, self-acceptance, acceptance of aggression, the ability to close relationships.

POI also has a built-in lie detection scale.

The only major limitation to using a 150-point POI for research purposes is its length. Jones and Crandall (Jones and Crandall, 1986) developed a short self-actualization index. The scale consists of 15 points.

1. I am not ashamed of any of my emotions.

2. I feel like I have to do what others want me to do (N).

3. I believe that people are essentially good and can be trusted.

4. I can be angry with those I love.

5. It is always necessary that others approve of what I do (N).

6. I don't accept my weaknesses (N).

7. I may like people I may not approve of.

8. I'm afraid of failure (N).

9. I try not to analyze or simplify complex areas (N).

10. It's better to be yourself than popular.

11. There is nothing in my life that I would especially devote myself to (N).

12. I can express my feelings, even if it leads to undesirable consequences.

13. I am not obliged to help others (N).

14. I'm tired of inadequacy (N).

15. They love me because I love.

Respondents answer each statement using a 4-digit scale:

1) disagree;

2) partly disagree;

3) agree in part;

4) agree.

An icon (N) following a statement indicates that the score for that item will be inverse when calculating totals (1 = 4, 2 = 3, 3 = 2, 4 = 1). The higher the overall value, the more self-actualized the respondent is considered.

In a study of several hundred college students, Jones and Crendall found that self-actualization index scores were positively correlated with all of the much longer POI scores (r = +0.67) and with measures of self-esteem and "rational behavior and belief." The scale has a certain reliability and is not susceptible to the choice of "social desirability" responses. College students who took part in self-confidence training were also shown to significantly increase their degree of self-actualization, as measured by the scale.

Characteristics of self-actualizing people.

1. More effective perception of reality.

2. Acceptance of yourself, others and nature (accept yourself as they are).

3. Immediacy, simplicity and naturalness.

4. Focused on the problem.

5. Independence: the need for privacy.

6. Autonomy: independence from culture and environment.

7. Freshness of perception.

8. Summit, or mystical, experiences (moments of great excitement or high tension, as well as moments of relaxation, peace, bliss and tranquility).

9. Public interest.

10. Deep interpersonal relationships.

11. Democratic character (lack of prejudice).

12. Separation of means and ends.

13. Philosophical sense of humor (friendly humor).

14. Creativity (ability to be creative).

15. Resistance to cultivation (they are in harmony with their culture, while maintaining a certain internal independence from it).

From the point of view of humanistic psychology, only the people themselves are responsible for the choices they make. This does not mean that if people are given the freedom to choose, they will necessarily act in their own interests. Freedom of choice does not guarantee the right choice. The main principle of this direction is the model of a responsible person who freely makes a choice among the opportunities provided.

Self-tutor in psychology Obraztsova Lyudmila Nikolaevna

Self Esteem Needs

Self Esteem Needs

Although this level is designated as self-esteem needs, A. Maslow singled out two types of needs here: the need for self-esteem and the need for respect from other people. However, they are very dependent on each other, and sometimes it is difficult to separate them. However, it can be clarified that first type needs include needs for:

- feeling of competence;

- confidence;

- achievements;

- independence and freedom in decision-making.

Co. second type Needs can include needs for:

- prestige;

- recognition;

– status;

– reputation;

- acceptance.

The need for self-esteem is the desire of a person to know that he is able to cope with the tasks and requirements that confront him, to feel that he is a person. The need for respect from others is the desire to be sure that the people around us recognize and appreciate what we do.

If these needs are not met, there is a feeling of inferiority, dependence and weakness, the meaninglessness of one's own existence. The stronger these experiences, the weaker the ability of a person to actually act effectively - one of the many psychological vicious circles that one can fall into due to a lack of satisfaction of certain needs.

A very important point: self-esteem is healthy and provides psychological stability only when it is based on real respect from other people, and not flattery, pity, status and position in society.

The attitude of those around us, although it depends on our qualities and actions, is by no means absolute; too much of it is caused by factors that we cannot control. Simply put, this attitude is determined not only (and even not so much) by ourselves, but also by the personal characteristics of other people, stereotypes accepted in society, and a variety of influences from the external situation. Therefore, it is very dangerous to build your self-esteem mainly on the assessment of other people. We already touched on this topic in the chapter on self-esteem: a healthy relationship with yourself should be based primarily on your own perception and knowledge of yourself, and not on the opinions of others.

The need for respect depends on the age of the person: it is assumed that it is most pronounced in young people (who have just formed as a person, are still in search of their professional niche, are establishing family relationships), and becomes less intense in mature years. Psychologists explain this for two reasons.

First, an adult already has a fairly realistic assessment of his true significance and value, based on life experience. Secondly, in most cases, by adulthood, people already gain experience of respect, have some confidence in their abilities and qualities - and therefore the needs of self-esteem, although they do not disappear completely, cease to be dominant: the status is more or less established, knowledge of one's own capabilities and potential are available, and the way is opened for higher needs - the needs for self-actualization (see below).

One of the most common and influential needs of this level is need for achievement which is of great importance in Western society. A highly developed need for achievement is considered one of the key factors in success in life.

People with a high need for achievement prefer tasks that require effort, but it is important that the task is in principle solvable, that is, satisfaction is not brought by the process of solving, but by the achieved result. For these people, it is important to be able to independently plan their work, set goals and objectives, rely on their own strengths in their solution, and not instructions from superiors.

Since the need for achievement refers to the level of self-esteem and respect of others, the main motive here is not so much the practical result of the activity (for example, material reward), but rather the approval of others. People who are motivated to succeed and achieve can work on "bare enthusiasm", if only their work is appreciated, they themselves will receive the much-needed recognition.

Closely related to the strong need for achievement is motivation for success, while people who are less driven to achieve often prefer to act on the basis of the desire avoid failure. A diagnostic technique that allows us to determine the leading motivation (motivation for success / avoidance of failures), we considered in the chapter "Self-assessment".

Features of the need for achievement are laid down in childhood, under the influence of parental attitudes. If parents themselves have this need, they, as a rule, require independence and initiative from their children. Those who have a weak need for achievement tend to overprotect children, give them less freedom, and as a result, children grow up less confident in themselves and their abilities, prefer to rely on guidance, authorities, rather than make their own decisions and take responsibility for themselves.

The need for achievements can also be distorted: wanting to receive respect, approval, recognition from others, a person is nevertheless not ready to make efforts to realize these desires. The general race for achievements often "infects" people who do not have the necessary energy and self-confidence. It is not uncommon for people to attribute to their accomplishments what is really just a game of chance, such as winning at a game of chance.

This kind of success creates the illusion of an increase in status, allows a person to feel “wealthy”. So one of the leading motives for gambling behavior is by no means a thirst for material enrichment, as is commonly believed, and not a desire for risk, but a distorted need to be recognized, to earn the respect of others.