Why shouldn't a psychologist counsel loved ones? Why psychologists should not counsel their loved ones and acquaintances
This is a frequently asked question, especially by potential clients who have friends who are psychotherapists or psychological consultants. On the one hand, going to a session with a friend is safe. You don’t want to trust a stranger whom you are seeing for the first time. But go to a specialist, but who knows? But there is another side to the coin - this is an emotional connection. Already formed relationships, the idea about a person that has developed, will precisely interfere with honest and effective work. So what's the catch?
A certain percentage of newly minted psychologists are tempted to start counseling people they know. Judge for yourself: they received a diploma, completed an internship and advanced training, many of their circle of acquaintances know about this and strive to ask for help. And, then, the phrase: “Well, you’re a psychologist! Why can't you help me? They say they are obliged by professional duty! And such “clients” have no idea that this help may turn out to be not only ineffective, but also traumatic.
Like a surgeon who does not operate on loved ones (his hands begin to tremble) because of the emotional connection with his patients, a psychologist does not consult acquaintances and friends. This does not make it possible to objectively and impartially approach the issue of therapy. After all, there is such a thing in psychology as transference. During the session, most likely, feelings and experiences will arise, and not at all positive ones, which will be directed at the therapist as a result of triggered psychological defenses. For example: the consultant will tell or notice something about the client’s parent, husband or child, and will reveal some feature of the relationship with them. In turn, the client will get angry, having received such information, precisely at the psychologist, not realizing that the cause of aggression or anger is precisely the behavior of significant relatives or loved ones. This defense mechanism is called displacement. After all, it is difficult to face your problem face to face. It is much easier to “play out” accumulated emotions with a consultant. The reverse process - dissatisfaction with the client on the part of the therapist, called countertransference (countertransference) will arise after the transference. This will undoubtedly disrupt the friendly relationship, or, worse, lead to its end. Both sides will remain dissatisfied with each other.
The ethical code of psychologists does not prohibit such therapy, but it is necessary to be aware of the consequences, take responsibility for it and understand what the cost of the issue will be. Is it worth it? At the same time, there is a remedy for the most annoying and persistent “clients”: the “three stages of refusal” technique. Answer calmly and confidently: “I can’t take you to therapy.” In response to a barrage of questions and arguments, repeat your statement: “You heard, I just said that I can’t take you to therapy.” Then, the final chord: “I’m sorry that you never heard (and) that I can’t take you to therapy.” Good luck with your clients!
It often happens that as soon as people in a company find out that you have a psychological education, conversations begin on the topic “well, you’re a psychologist, explain,” “can you have a consultation with me,” and so on in the same spirit.
In fact, according to professional ethics, a psychologist cannot and should not advise relatives, friends and acquaintances. And there are a number of reasons for this. I will try to clearly understand why this is unproductive for both parties, both for the psychologist and for the client friend.
1
. Embarrassment, unwillingness for your friend to know all your family secrets. And selectively telling a psychologist during a consultation, “I’ll tell you this, but I won’t do that, even though it’s important,” is a priori a waste of time and money.
When you tell everything to a stranger, at first there may also be embarrassment, stiffness, and inability to start a conversation and continue it smoothly. But still, when it comes to something that you don’t like to advertise, the “fellow traveler effect” can work with a stranger, that is, you will feel better because the person who knows some unpleasant things about you will never meet you again( unless you yourself want to consult him on some issue someday).
2
. Yes, you can’t tell a friend everything, but simply complain about life, throw out your emotions, and get support from him. But this will not be called full-fledged consulting. To do this, you should not make an appointment with him and frame the whole thing as a consultation. You can just sit somewhere and talk. This will be called friendly support, communication, anything, but not psychological consultation. The purpose of the consultation is to understand the reasons for your difficult situation, find out what this situation has given you in terms of experience, a way out of it and prevention, so that in the same situation more
don't hit. A friendly conversation is different, no matter what anyone says.
3
. In psychology there is such a thing as countertransference. In short, any emotional attitude of the analyst towards his patient. The reason for this is the specialist’s personal complexes and psychological barriers. This interferes with counseling. In this case, the reason will be your acquaintance, the initially subjective attitude towards you of a person who, in theory, should be impartial and objective.
This can be expressed both in a subjective, overly demanding or overly lenient attitude towards you, and in the consultant’s excessive perception of everything that happens to you to heart. In this case, you won’t get constructive help from him either; he will be so upset that he will simply worry with you. And this is a friendly conversation, as we said above, and not a consultation.
4 . It may turn out that the psychologist will lead his friend-client to memories that are unpleasant, but important for therapy. Having plunged into this uncomfortable environment, the client may begin to get angry not only at the objects of that situation, but also at the specialist.
Also, the visitor may find the psychologist’s attempt to delve too deeply into this matter offensive; he will begin to perceive this as an ordinary friendly tactlessness. If, when working with a stranger, a person still restrains himself with the thought “maybe this is how it should be?”, then when consulting with a friend, the client will most often say something like “it doesn’t matter,” or even “look at yourself, you had it even worse, I didn’t remind you.” In principle, consultants are not offended by such things and, on the contrary, they know how to use this to better understand the situation, but it may happen that the client himself may become too angry, perceive the psychologist as an enemy and hinder further work, and then completely break off friendly relations.
And there is no need to say something like “I understand everything, I won’t be angry.” Intellectually, we all understand everything while sitting at home in front of the computer. But when a friend-psychologist, instead of “hug and cry together,” opens up the aching wound with questions, when these very questions from the “closet of the soul” begin to rain down “skeletons” that you have long and diligently hidden there... When he tries to get you to you work on yourself, which requires mental tension and strength... You may not be able to restrain yourself.
5 . The situation doesn’t look any better when a conversation starts just in a friendly company like “well, you’re a psychologist, so explain.” The person has just relaxed, ready to relax, and then they again expect some kind of explanation from him as a specialist. Moreover, most often the reason is not one for which people should be disturbed; someone just wanted to talk.
In such a situation, I think, a psychologist has the right to ask a person, for example, to study English with him (for free, of course, since everyone a priori considers his explanations to be free). What, “you’re a linguist, explain.” Or “you’re a doctor, tell me about my arrhythmia in detail.” It’s unlikely that anyone would want to delve into this at a friendly evening. So why force a psychologist to do this?
6 . In conclusion, I can say that there are exceptions, but very, very rarely. A psychologist friend can gently help you get out of a bad mood and help you reconsider your attitude towards this situation. But this is really rare. This requires remarkable skill and patience from a psychologist, and from you a desire to work, listen and hear, change, and not just a desire for a friend to take pity on you and give you “magic” advice.
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Everyone has enough internal problems, but few dare to turn to a specialist.
What is the reason for such stubborn ignoring of your problems? Part of the reason is that we are used to solving them ourselves. But it’s also that most of our compatriots have a very vague idea of psychotherapy. Popular myths about psychological help make it difficult to take this area truly seriously.
Having examined some of these myths more closely, you can change your mind and then, if necessary, still seek help from a professional.
Myth No. 1.
Psychologist - magician and wizard.
We come to the office, talk about what worries us, talk about how much we are not happy with our own life, and the psychologist offers a “magic wand” - valuable advice or the right recipe for how to instantly correct a hopeless situation.
In fact, a psychologist is an ordinary person. Of course, a good psychologist is endowed with certain knowledge and skills. For each client, the specialist usually uses different types of assistance. This can be support for those who are in an acute crisis situation. Or a psychologist can advise the person who contacts him on some issues regarding family crises and relationships. Another type of help is psychotherapy, that is, help in finding solutions to a problem, a new place in life, and the like. It should also be understood that each psychologist has his own stock of techniques used.
Myth No. 2.
Psychological consultations and treatment are intended only for “crazy people”.
Psychological counseling can be helpful in effectively dealing with the complex everyday challenges that literally all of us face at some point in our lives. It could be problems sleeping, stress at work, a bad relationship with a loved one, or just causeless despondency. Any change in your routine, big or small, can cause stress. Therefore, even completely normal and psychologically balanced people sometimes need to find spiritual support and hear the opinion of a professional.
Myth No. 3.
The psychologist simply listens and feels sorry, that is, he actually receives his salary “for nothing.”
The psychologist must listen carefully to the client, otherwise he will not understand the details of the situation and what kind of help the person needs. Sometimes the only thing that really matters to a client is to just be listened to. After all, you can say to a psychologist what you cannot say even to close people, and sometimes it is even difficult to say out loud. It is very difficult to admit your weaknesses or feelings that are usually taboo. It’s really easier to talk about these topics with a professional than to complain about your troubles to friends with the obligatory accompaniment of strong drinks.
In the process of talking with a specialist, a person begins to understand and accept himself. It is in the psychologist’s office that long-standing mental traumas are most often revealed. After all, most often he does not just listen, but asks leading questions that lead to awareness of many situations and problems. The work of a psychologist sometimes consists only of asking a person the right question, which he did not ask himself. It happens that after this the client finds the answer and makes the right decision. Therefore, it is impossible to assume that the psychologist does nothing.
Myth No. 4.
Psychological counseling is the choice of the weak.
It takes a strong personality to admit: I need help. Seeking help is a sign of mental health, not weakness. It shows that a person is responsible for his own life and is ready to take control of what happens to him, good and bad.
A psychologist will help you identify your personality’s strengths and work on your weaker ones, that is, show you the path to self-improvement, and you will have to follow it yourself.
Myth No. 5.
A psychologist is able, using his techniques, to easily change the person he needs.
Many are convinced that it is enough to bring a child or partner to a psychologist, and he will make him become “good, correct, the way he should be.” This is a very common misconception. In psychological practice, this especially often concerns children. Sometimes worried parents look for any opportunity to remake their own child, making it “as it should” - for their own convenience. They are sometimes willing to pay a lot of money for this and even put the child in the hospital. In this case, psychological help is required not only for children, but also for parents. The psychologist will have to try to completely rebuild their relationship with the child, change the rules in the family, and demonstrate that there are completely different, new methods of education.
Most often, the parents’ desire for the child’s transformation from a bully to a good girl to happen in one session is not justified. After all, no one can change what has been formed over the years in just an hour or two.
Myth No. 6.
It's not so bad that you need to see a psychologist.
Psychological consultation can be useful if you have an internal decision to do something important in life, but lack an external push. Or simply if you feel lonely, had a hard day at work. And if you have stress or persistent anxiety, then this is already a good reason for psychological counseling. If a person constantly keeps something important to him in his head, this also makes the subject of thought and anxiety a sufficient reason to visit a psychologist.
Myth No. 7.
Psychologists give specific advice on what to do in a difficult situation.
A professional cannot give the only correct advice for two reasons. First, no one can be more competent in the life of another person than himself. To do this, you need to live his life, with its vicissitudes. The second reason why a psychologist cannot advise to do exactly this or that way is that no one can take responsibility for the choice of another. For example, not a single psychologist can tell a person that a divorce is necessary, and you will be happy. Because he does not have the right to make global decisions for a person in his life. A specialist only helps to consider all options for getting out of this situation and consider the consequences. And this is already a lot! After consultation, a person must choose a solution that is suitable only for him personally.
Myth No. 8.
A psychologist teaches how to manipulate people.
Often these expectations of people who turn to a psychologist look something like this: “Help me influence my husband (wife, mother, father, children, etc., so that they do this and that..."
Training in such psychological manipulations is impossible, since it contradicts the ethical code of a psychologist. Moreover, this is a doomed way of relationships between people. Because both hidden and overt manipulation leads to sad consequences - relationships built on the principle of “humiliation-revenge” and based on a thirst for power will be short-lived in any case. A good specialist will never manipulate you and will not teach you how to manipulate others. But it will help you see how the behavior of the person himself affects the relationship between him and his loved ones. Or he will indicate ways to change attitudes towards a problem that is difficult or even impossible to influence.
Myth No. 9.
An hour a week spent with a psychologist will not save the situation.
At first glance, an hour a week is really very little. But the point is that your internal work should not be limited to one hour spent in a specialist’s office. A conversation with him only clarifies the nuances of a particular situation and sets the direction in which to move. Sometimes a specialist may even give you “homework.”
If you really want to get positive changes, then you must be ready to implement everything you understand in a conversation with a psychologist in real life. Because several conversations along the lines of “I left the office and forgot everything” really won’t help. Many clients of psychologists want to have their snot wiped away, but do not want to actually work on their problems. If you expect positive changes in life and a specific result, you will have to work on yourself.
Myth No. 10.
I already turned to a psychologist - it didn’t help!
Not every psychologist is a good fit for every client. It may very well be that your previous specialist was not right for you. Or you weren't completely open to internal changes. In any case, if a series of serious problems come into your life, you should try to solve them again with the help of a psychologist, but with a different one. Take the time to learn more about several professionals before choosing one. It is also important to find a consultant who already has experience working with problems that are similar to yours.
Is it possible to counsel friends, family and loved ones? - Different people understand this question differently and give different answers to it.
Women's position
No, you can't, it could ruin the relationship.
From a discussion on the forum:
And now I know a family where the parents are psychotherapists. Firstly, poor children there cannot even ask their parents for advice, because they are not allowed to treat their relatives. And secondly, they understand that the child is forced to live his own experience. Example: their son got scared of some beetles at the dacha in the evening and came running from the garden screaming. Well, not exactly a cry of fright, but of course with emotions: “Dad, dad! There are bugs there! Huge! Scary! Like that!” shows on his fingers. We would go and look, or we would ask: “What are you doing? Great!” Or: “Well, the bugs, why are you yelling? They didn’t eat you!” Or they would launch into boring stories about beetles and other living creatures of our region, or whoever is able to react and convey their reaction to the child. The baby’s dad raised his eyes to the sky and said in a thoughtful drawl: “Yes-ah-ah...” Well, he sort of reacted to his son, but didn’t reveal his attitude to the subject either...
Male position
Naturally, it is possible. Why not help your friends when they ask?
Discussion
Apparently, by “consult” women mean psychotherapeutic counseling: long-term psychological assistance to people who have moved into the position of the Victim. They are afraid in advance: they assume that people have serious difficulties, that they cannot cope with them on their own, that they will need help - but at the same time they also assume the troubles associated with this: the presence of resistance (“Nobody wants to be treated. Nobody likes , if he is taught!") and the consequences of this are ruined relationships. There are frequent fears: the consultation may be unsuccessful, or the person will tell his problems and later it will be unpleasant for him to remember about it... There may also be fears that when consulting loved ones, the consultant will not be objective, and will pursue his own personal goals rather than the goals of helping the person. Women are fears, concerns and concerns about safety.
Men more often by “consult” mean psychological consultation (a one-time orienting conversation between a psychologist and a client about his life situation, while the client is in the position of the Author). They are confident in advance of success: they are confident that they will give practical tips, that the person will understand everything he needs and this will be to his benefit. If there is one thing they are afraid of, it is that without providing consultation, they will leave him without the opportunity for development. Men are more likely to believe that the consultant will be more attentive and help better when dealing with a loved one. Men are courage, interest and a mindset for development. Cm.
