4 phases of acceptance. Stages of accepting the inevitable in psychology

An American psychologist, based on personal research, developed the theory of “5 stages of accepting the inevitable.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described it in her book On Death and Dying (1969). At first, this theory concerned the topic of the departure of loved ones and represented the division of the state of a grieving person into periods.

The effectiveness of the concept entailed a transformation of its original purpose depending on various difficult life situations. They can be the following: divorce, illness, injury, material damage, etc.

The first stage, characterized by denial

If a person learns about his illness or the serious illness of people close to him, then a state of shock follows. The information is difficult and unexpected, so denial occurs. The person believes that this could not have happened to him and refuses to believe in his involvement. He tries to isolate himself from the situation, pretend that everything is normal, and also withdraws into himself and refuses to talk about the problem. These are signs of the first stage of the 5 stages of accepting the inevitable.

Such behavior may or may not be conscious, but it is caused by a lack of faith in the tragedy that has occurred. A person engages in maximum suppression of his experiences and emotions. And when it is no longer possible to contain them, he enters the next stage of grief.

Stage two: rage

A person is angry that his fate is cruel and unfair: he can be angry at himself, the people around him and the current situation in its abstract representation. It is very important to treat him with gentleness and patience, since the cause of such behavior is grief. stage of 5 stages of accepting the inevitable.

Human psychology consists of gradual awareness and perception of the situation, which is accompanied by wear and tear of the disguise and repetition of pain. He does not feel that he is ready for what happened, so he becomes furious: angry at other people, at objects around him, family members, friends, God, his activities. In fact, the victim of circumstances has an understanding of the innocence of others, but it becomes impossible to come to terms with this. Grief is a purely personal process and occurs individually for everyone.

Third stage

This period is characterized by remaining in a naive and desperate hope that all troubles will disappear and life will become the same again. If the experiences are associated with a break in a relationship, then being in this stage comes down to trying to come to an agreement with a former partner, to pleas for a last chance or friendship.

The person makes helpless attempts to take control of the situation. It comes down to the phrase "if we...":

- ...were taken to another specialist;

- ... we didn’t go there;

- ...did it;

- ... took the advice of a friend, etc.

Notable is the desire to make a deal with higher powers, as well as to promise and repent in the name of extending the inevitable. A person may begin to look for some signs of fate, to believe in omens. For example, if you make a wish, open any page of a book and, without looking, point to an arbitrary word that turns out to be affirmative, then the troubles will go away on their own.

Depression - stage four

The person is in a state of complete hopelessness, because he already understands the pointlessness of the efforts spent on changing the situation. He gives up, life loses its meaning, all expectations turn into disappointments.

In the event of loss, two types of depression occur:

1. The regret and sadness that comes with mourning. It’s easier to endure this period if there is a person nearby who can support you.
2. Preparing to let go of the event that happened is a purely individual process. This period can stretch for a very long time and provoke problems with health and with others.

This is how the fourth stage of the 5 stages of accepting the inevitable proceeds.

Acceptance of the event

At the final stage, a person is able to experience relief. He admits that grief has happened in his life, agrees to come to terms with it and continue his path. Everyone has their own specific stages, and it happens that the stages do not occur in the specified sequence. A certain period may take only half an hour, disappear completely, or be worked on for a very long time. Such things happen purely individually.

Acceptance is the final stage, the end of torment and suffering. The suddenness makes it very difficult to comprehend grief later. It often happens that the strength to accept the situation is completely absent. In this case, there is no need to show courage, since as a result you need to submit to fate and circumstances, let everything pass through yourself and find peace. Not every person is able to go through all five stages of accepting the inevitable.

The fifth stage is very personal and special, because no one is able to save a person from suffering except himself. Other people can be supportive during a difficult period, but they do not fully understand other people's feelings and emotions.

The 5 stages of accepting the inevitable are purely personal experiences and experiences that transform a personality: break it, leave it forever in one of the stages, or make it stronger. You shouldn’t run and hide from grief, you need to recognize it. It is recommended to imagine how it flows through the body. The result is the removal of the blockage, acceleration of the transition to the last level and the healing process. These 5 stages of accepting the inevitable are designed to show people experiencing hardships in life what is happening to them.

In the face of unhappy circumstances, a person experiences corresponding emotions. In bereavement, we spend different periods of time going through each step, and each stage occurs with different levels of intensity. The five stages of loss do not necessarily occur in any particular order. We often move between stages before achieving a more relaxed acceptance of death. Many are not even given the time needed to reach this final stage of grief.

According to the American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who observed dying patients, there are five stages of accepting the situation:

1 Negation. A person does not accept information that he will soon pass away. He hopes that there has been a mistake or that they are talking about something else. The first reaction to the impending death, loss, or death of a loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. “This is not happening, this cannot be,” people often think. This is a normal reaction to rationalizing overwhelming emotions. It is a protective mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of loss. This is a temporary answer that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2 The person understands that this is about him and blames others for what happened. As the masking effects of abandonment and isolation begin to subside, reality and pain emerge again. We're not ready. A strong emotion is deflected from us, redirected and expressed as anger. Anger can be directed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family.

Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know that a person cannot be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent him for hurting us or for abandoning us. We feel guilty about it, we get angry, and it makes us even angrier. A doctor who diagnoses a disease and fails to cure the disease can become an easy target.

Health care professionals deal with death every day. This does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who are angry with them. Don't hesitate to ask your doctor for more time or to re-explain the details of your loved one's illness. Arrange a special meeting or ask him to call you at the end of the day. Ask for clear answers to questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand what options are available to you.

3 Bargain. Having calmed down a little, the patients try to make a deal with doctors, fate, God, etc. That is, they are trying to delay death. A normal response to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control: if only we had sought medical help sooner; if we had listened to the opinion of another doctor; if only they were treated better. Secretly, we may make a deal with God in an attempt to delay the inevitable. It is a shakier line of defense to protect us from painful reality.

4 Depression. Realizing that they have the time allotted by doctors to live and nothing can be done, patients despair and become depressed. They experience apathy and lose interest in life. There are two types of depression associated with grief.

First is a reaction to the practical consequences associated with loss. This type of depression is dominated by sadness and regret. We worry about costs and funerals. We fear that in our grief we have spent less time with others who depend on us. This phase can be simplified with a simple clarification. We could use a few kind words.

Second the type of depression is more subtle and in some ways perhaps more private. This is our quiet preparation for separation and farewell to a loved one. Sometimes we really need to be hugged.

5 Adoption. The patient comes out of depression and resigns himself to the inevitable. He begins to take stock of his life, completes, if possible, some things, and says goodbye to loved ones. This stage is a gift that not everyone receives. Death may be sudden and unexpected, or we may never move beyond anger or denial. This phase is marked by relative calm.

People grieve in different ways. Some people hide their emotions, others experience grief more deeply and may not cry. Each person will experience emotions differently.

The above stages are also observed in less tragic situations. A person goes through these stages with any negativity, unless the strength of the experience is less. People don't necessarily go through the stages in a strict order.

The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you have to go through each stage in the exact order. Instead, it is more helpful to look at them as a guide in the grieving process, which helps you understand your condition, yourself.

Examples of the inevitable are the death of loved ones, a fatal diagnosis given to a person, or other tragic events in life that cause fear and anger. The victim's consciousness develops a response mechanism in the form of a chain of reactions to cope with these situations and accept them. It includes several stages, which together represent a pattern of behavior for a person faced with something inevitable.

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Stages of acceptance

Back in 1969, physician Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published a book, On Death and Dying, in which she detailed the five stages of grief based on her daily observations of people who did not have long to live.

This pattern of behavior can be attributed not only to death or diagnosis. It is applicable to any changes that occur in life: failures at work (downsizing or dismissal), financially (bankruptcy), in personal relationships (divorce, infidelity). A person reacts to all these events with a special model of behavior, which includes the following stages:

• negation;
• anger;
• bargain;
• depression;
• Adoption.

All these stages do not necessarily follow each other in strict sequence; some may be absent, a person returns to others again, and at some he may get stuck. They can last for different periods of time.



Negation

The first stage is denial. With it, a person does not believe in changes, he thinks that this is not happening to him. Denial can last from a few minutes to several years. It is dangerous because a person is able to “escape” reality and remain in this stage.

An example is a patient who has been given a fatal diagnosis, but he does not believe in it and demands that the tests be repeated, thinking that he has been confused with someone else. A girl whose lover left her may think that this is temporary, the guy just decided to rest and will return soon.



Anger

The next stage of accepting the inevitable is expressed in the patient’s aggression. Often it is directed towards the object that caused the event. Anger can be directed at anyone around him: the doctor who gave him a fatal diagnosis, the boss who fired him, the wife who left him, or other healthy people if he is sick. The person does not understand why this happened to him and considers it unfair.

This stage is sometimes accompanied by real outbursts of aggression and open outbursts of anger. But it is not recommended to restrain them, as this is fraught with serious consequences for the psyche. It is best to transform anger in another direction, for example, doing physical exercises in the gym.



Bargain

Being in this stage, a person tries in every possible way to postpone the inevitable. He hopes that everything can still be changed, a way out of the situation can be found if some sacrifices are made.

For example, an employee who, when laid off, begins to work overtime. Or a patient who has been given a terrible diagnosis leads a healthy lifestyle and does good deeds, hoping that this will help him postpone the inevitable. If these efforts do not bear fruit, the person becomes depressed.

The life of every person consists not only of joy and happy moments, but also of sad events, disappointments, illnesses and losses. To accept everything that happens, you need to adequately see and perceive the situation. In psychology, there are 5 stages of accepting the inevitable, which everyone who experiences a difficult period in life goes through.

These stages were developed by the American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who was interested in the topic of death from childhood and was looking for the right way to die. Subsequently, she spent a lot of time with terminally ill dying people, helping them psychologically, listening to their confessions, etc. In 1969, she wrote a book about Death and Dying, which became a bestseller in her country and from which readers learned about the five stages of accepting death, as well as other inevitable and terrible events in life. Moreover, they concern not only the person who is dying or in a difficult situation, but also his loved ones who are experiencing this situation with him.

5 stages of accepting the inevitable

These include:

1. Negation. The person refuses to believe that this is happening to him and hopes that this terrible dream will someday end. If we are talking about a fatal diagnosis, he considers it a mistake and looks for other clinics and doctors to refute it. Relatives support the sufferer in everything, because they also refuse to believe in the inevitable end. Often they only waste time, postponing much-needed treatment and visiting fortune-tellers, psychics, being treated by herbalists, etc. The brain of a sick person cannot perceive information about the inevitability of the end of life.
2. Anger. At the second stage of accepting the inevitable, a person is tormented by burning resentment and self-pity. Some people just get angry and keep asking, “Why me? Why did this happen to me? Relatives and everyone else, especially doctors, become the most terrible enemies who do not want to understand, do not want to treat, do not want to listen, etc. It is at this stage that a person can quarrel with all his relatives and go write complaints against doctors. He is annoyed by everything - laughing healthy people, children and parents who continue to live and solve their problems that do not concern him.
3. Bargain or deal. At 3 out of 5 steps of accepting the inevitable, a person tries to come to an agreement with God himself or other higher powers. In his prayers, he promises him that he will improve, do this or that in exchange for health or another benefit that is important to him. It was during this period that many people begin to engage in charity work, rush to do good deeds and have at least a little time in this life. Some people have their own signs, for example, if a leaf from a tree falls with its upper side towards your feet, it means good news, and if it falls on the lower side, it means bad news.
4. Depression. At stage 4 of accepting the inevitable, a person falls into. He gives up, apathy and indifference to everything appear. A person loses the meaning of life and may attempt suicide. Those close to you also get tired of fighting, although they may not show it.
5. Adoption. At the last stage, a person comes to terms with the inevitable and accepts it. Terminally ill people calmly wait for the end and even pray for a speedy death. They begin to ask for forgiveness from loved ones, realizing that the end is near. In the case of other tragic events that do not concern death, life returns to its usual course. Relatives also calm down, realizing that nothing can be changed and everything that could be done has already been done.

It must be said that not all stages occur in this order. Their sequence may vary, and the duration depends on mental stability.