Words when loved ones die. How to condole a death without falsehood: examples of expressions

First, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know the person inside out, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. “There are certain general stages of experiencing grief. You can easily focus on them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs an individual approach,” explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.

Our experts:

Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Gestalt Center Nina Rubshtein

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

How to support someone if they are in shock

Stage No. 1: usually the person is completely shocked, confused and simply cannot believe the reality of what is happening.

What should I say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be close without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people, tactile contact and the ability to see their interlocutor in person are very important. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not necessary,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to stay close and refuses to communicate, do not try to get him to talk. Contrary to your expectations, things will not get easier for him. It’s worth talking about what happened only when your loved one is ready for it. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to, hold hands, stroke the head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.”

What to do. The loss of a loved one, sudden terrible illnesses and other blows of fate require not only reflection, but also a lot of worries. Don’t think that providing this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional investment and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can help. A lot depends on what state your friend is in. You may have to take on organizational issues: calling, finding out, negotiating. Or give the unfortunate person a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor’s waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: clean up, wash the dishes, cook food.

How to support a person if he is acutely worried

Stage No. 2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.

What to do. It is clear that communication at this moment is difficult. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, to be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.

Words of condolences

“Most people, when expressing condolences, use common phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a manifestation of politeness and nothing more. But when it comes to a loved one, something more than formality is needed. Of course, there is no template that fits every situation. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.

1. If you don’t know what to say, be silent. It’s better to hug one more time, show that you are nearby and ready to help at any moment.
2. Avoid expressions like “everything will be fine,” “everything will pass,” and “life goes on.” You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. This kind of talk is annoying.
3. Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate one in this situation is: “How can I help?” Everything else will wait.
4. Never utter words that could devalue the importance of what happened. “And some people can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
5. If your goal is to provide moral support to a friend, first of all you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm you down.

How to support someone if they are depressed

Stage No. 3: at this time the person becomes aware of what happened. Expect your friend to be depressed and depressed. But there is good news: he is beginning to understand that he needs to somehow move on.

What should I say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what exactly your loved one expects from you.

1. Some people need to talk about what happened.“There are people who, in a difficult situation, vitally need to speak out loud their emotions, fears and experiences. A friend doesn’t need condolences; your job is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but you shouldn’t give advice or put in your two cents in every possible way,” advises Marianna Volkova.
2. Some people need a distraction to cope with grief. You are required to talk about extraneous topics, to involve a person in resolving some issues. Invent urgent things that require full concentration and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
3. There are people who, in difficult life situations, prefer loneliness - this makes it easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get under their skin with the best of intentions. Simply put, to forcefully “do good.” Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are nearby and ready to provide all possible help at any time.

What to do.

1. In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiate, communicate and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
2. You must help your friend move a little away from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option is playing sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, court or yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
3. In the third case, you only need what is asked of you. Don't insist on anything. Invite them to “go out and unwind” (what if they agree?), but always leave the choice up to the person and don’t be intrusive.

How to support someone when they have already experienced grief

Stage No. 4: This is a period of adaptation. One might say – rehabilitation.

What should I say. It is at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel and other attributes of life without mourning.

What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, there is no need to try to somehow behave “correctly” in his company. You should not try to forcefully cheer up, shake and bring to your senses. At the same time, you cannot avoid direct glances or sit with a sour face. The more familiar you establish the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.

Visit to a psychologist

No matter what stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help that is not needed. For example, forcefully send you to a psychologist. Here you will have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.

“Experiencing trouble, sadness is a natural process that, as a rule, does not need professional help,” says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “grief work”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: allowing oneself to feel, to face experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, and “stuck” may occur at any stage. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”

Cons of support

The tragedy they experience sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. We are, of course, not talking about the first, most difficult period. But you may be required to be present continuously for a long time. Your personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed upon dates have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but the natural result will be a damaged relationship.

The financial issue is no less important. It happens that time passes, everything that was needed has been done, but the need for investment does not disappear. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” reminds Anna Shishkovskaya. – Otherwise, accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be good not to lead to a scandal, but to define the boundaries in time.”

Personal dramas are just one of those very troubles that friends find themselves in. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, you should rush to help only if you sincerely want it.

Condolences. How to sincerely express condolences to the relatives of the deceased? Short words of grief over death and support in difficult times. "My condolences…"

Words of grief and support in difficult times

Sincere words of sorrow and sensitive behavior express a willingness to share grief, support a neighbor with their presence or shared memory of the deceased. What is even more important is action participation, willingness to help, give your time and effort to a friend or friend at a time when he is vulnerable, depressed and needs participation. It’s good if you can guess what exactly it is: material assistance, organizational, physical. Maybe you need a ride or shelter for someone for a couple of days. Offer your services For example:

• How can I help you these days?
• If/when you need anything, contact me right away!
• A lot has fallen on you right now. What can I do for you?
• I think you might need some help. I would like to participate.

My condolences…

How to find the right words of grief? If you know the relatives of the deceased closely, then it is better to think of a more personal, personal sympathetic phrase. While thinking through words of condolences, we recommend that you look. Each obituary ends with words of condolences from the celebrity's family and friends. We have given some words of condolences to celebrities at the end of this article. The website “Making Monuments.ru” provides 100 specific examples words of sorrow on the occasion of death.

Accept my condolences!

Delicacy and sincerity- this is what you need to remember when pronouncing words of sympathy. In grief, the feeling of sincerity and falsehood intensifies. Feel free to select in advance, and Housesrepeatedlyaloudtalk phrase of condolences. This will allow the right moment not to think about the wording and concentrate on the person and circumstances. Don't be shy about your feelings. If you want to hug a friend, touch her shoulder or hug her; shake a friend’s hand – shake it. A tear rolls down - don’t turn away, but brush it away. Take a bag of clean napkins with you - they may be useful to you or someone present.

Death is the final reconciliation... If you harbor a grudge against the deceased, find strength in yourself forgive. Having cleansed your soul and thoughts of negativity, words of sympathy will sound from the heart, sincerely! If you had a conflict with the deceased, then sincere regret, an apology, and a request for forgiveness will be in order.

Examples of short verbal condolences

Format verbal condolences depends on the context. In a close circle, you can allow heartfelt. But at a funeral or, during a farewell to the body or during a funeral service, only short sayings. Many more invitees must express their condolences.

• [Name] was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
• Be strong!/(Be strong, friend)!
• He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
• I loved him/(her)/[Name]. My condolences!
• How much good she did for her neighbors! How she was loved and appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a piece of ourselves. We really feel for you!
• This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But it’s hardest for you! If we can help you with anything, please contact us immediately!
• He has meant/done/helped me a lot in my life. I mourn with you!
• He left so much of his soul in all of us! It's forever as long as we're alive!
• Our entire family sympathizes with your grief. Our condolences... Be strong!
• His role in my life is huge! How small those disagreements were, and the goodness and deeds that he did for me, I will never forget. My condolences to you!
• What a loss! Man of God! I pray for him, I pray for all of you!
• What a pity that I didn’t have time to tell him “I’m sorry!” He opened a new world for me, and I will always remember it! My sincere condolences!

Religious Condolence

Is it right to express condolences using religious rhetoric? When is it appropriate and when is it not appropriate to refer to quotations from holy books? How should you use the words of prayers if you express your condolences to a person of a different faith or an atheist?

• If both the sympathizer and the mourner are atheists or agnostics, then there is no point in resorting to religious rhetoric. Ideas for short phrases of sympathy can be gleaned from the section.
• If a man, someone who has lost a loved one is a believer, but you are not, then briefly addressing the topic of a better life in another world will be correct, but the use of church language will seem false. Ideas for phrases can be found in the section.
• On the contrary, when the person grieving is an atheist or agnostic, and you are a believer, then an appeal on your part to or to the dogmas of your religion will look like a sincere form of sympathy. Only the measure is important.
• If you and the bereaved person - both fellow believers, then turning to common sources, general and observance of canonical rites of remembrance are appropriate.

• Even if the grieving person is himself a lover of rhyme, still the moment of condolences is not the right time for your own poetry.
• Poetic text in the context of condolences is devalued and can be perceived as verbal exercises during grief.
• If it’s popular, then it’s already exotic, but condolence poems- this is the risk of being misunderstood.

Condolences via SMS? No.

• The message may arrive at the wrong time.
• Even if your condolences are terse, the very image of the SMS channel suggests the transmission of facts, not feelings.
• If you send condolences via SMS, then you have a phone in your hand. — Was it difficult to call? - this is what a person who has suffered a loss will think about.
• If you do not meet in person in the coming days, then express your condolences by phone or email.

What should you not say when expressing condolences?

• Comfort with perspective. Pain is here and now, and against its background, turning to the future means either showing your tactlessness, or hurting a loved one, or, at the very least, being unheard or misunderstood. Inappropriate words: “Everything will be fine...”, “Don’t worry, you’ll get married in a couple of years,” “Everything will pass, and this pain too,” “Time heals...”, “Nothing, you’re young, you’ll give birth again,” “I wish you faster survive the grief...
• Demonstrate positive circumstances associated with the loss. Examples of tactless phrases: “Be strong, friend! After all, it can also happen (so/worse/more terrible...)”, “With such torment, death is a relief”, “It’s good that at least (something worse) didn’t happen”, “The child will have his own room”, “You the opportunity arises (to do something).”
• Point to the culprit, “find the last one”. For example, “God gave - God took”, “If you ... (went to the doctor), would not have let him go, listened to the advice ...”, “Such doctors should be put on trial”, “Given his lifestyle, it is not surprising.”
• Don’t ask how and under what circumstances it happened. This is not the time or place to ask for details.
• You shouldn't at this moment talk about any topic not related to the experience. Neither about work, nor about mutual acquaintances, nor on any extraneous topics.
• Don't appeal to your experience, even if you have experienced a similar grief. “Girlfriend, I know how hard it is for you, I also lost...”, even if said sincerely, at the moment of grief it can be perceived inadequately.
• Intrusive or banal advice, like “You must live for the sake of...”, “You need to calm down, wait out the time”, etc. - all this is stupid and unnecessary in moments of grief.

It’s impossible not to list all the “impossible” ones. Use common sense, a sense of proportion, be sincere and sympathetic. Be short and concise. Remember that sometimes it is better to remain silent and abstain than to talk idle talk or be tactless.

How to write a letter of condolence

It is not always possible to express condolences in person, and then in the very first days after death a letter of sympathy should be sent.

Written condolences on a postcard appropriate as an addition to a discreet funeral bouquet (red, white colors) or together with some amount of money, if it is, say, a benefit or just financial assistance from an enterprise. Design matters: you can’t write condolences on a bright holiday or greeting card. Use special ones, or take a completely neutral card with a restrained design.

Email condolences it should also be concise, sincere, but restrained. The title should already contain words of condolences. So, it is incorrect to indicate “Condolences on the death of so-and-so” in the subject line of the letter, but the correct one would be: “[Name], my condolences on the death of your father/(mother).” Before you press the “send” button, read the condolences through the eyes of a grieving person. It should be short and to the point, without fluff or tactlessness. Below are examples of written condolences.

Examples of written condolences

Sample condolences on a card about the death of a mother

Dear/Dear [Name]!

It was difficult for us to accept the news of the death of your/your mother, [Name and Patronymic of the deceased]. The more we sympathize with your/your loss. We deeply mourn the death of [Name and Patronymic]. For us, she has always been an example of care, sensitivity, and attention to one’s neighbor. (or other positive qualities inherent in the deceased) and conquered with her kind disposition and love of humanity. We are very sad for her and can only imagine what a heavy blow her passing was for you. More than once we remembered her words: [such and such]. And in this she served as an example of [something], thanks to her we became/understood [how the deceased influenced us]. Your mother, [Name and Patronymic], raised and raised you - a worthy person, of whom, we are sure, she was proud. We are happy that we had the chance to know her.

With deep and sincere sympathy, the [So-and-so] family

Sample of condolences by e-mail about the death of mother

Email header:[Name], my condolences to you on the death of [Name and Patronymic]!

Text of the letter: Dear [Name]! Today I sadly learned about the death of your mother, [Name and Patronymic]. It’s hard to believe - after all, not so long ago she warmly welcomed us as guests. I remembered her as (positive qualities of the deceased) . It is difficult for me to imagine the depth of grief that you are experiencing right now. My sincere condolences!

Perhaps these days you will have troubles associated with mourning events. I want to offer you my help: maybe you need to meet someone, help with a car, or notify someone... Contact me! I would like to help in some way during this difficult moment for all of us!

I sympathize with your loss! Signature.

Condolences on the death of father

Structure of a letter (postcard, email) of condolences on the death of a father girlfriend or friend - the same as in the case of condolences for the death of a mother (see above). However, society values ​​slightly different qualities in a man than in a mother or wife. Words and phrases that are appropriate to express condolences on the death of dad, head of the family, are given below. If more precise words of consolation come to mind that reflect the characteristics of this particular person, then it is better to use them.

• As soon as I met your father, that same day I realized that he was a man of [such and such qualities]
• He was a real man, a responsible head of the family and a caring person.
• I didn’t know your father personally, but I can imagine how much he meant to you.
• He was an example for me in this and that.
• He admired everyone for his foresight, erudition, and sharp mind.
• I realized that I knew little about him. When the time is right, tell me more about your dad!
• Knowing you, I can guess how much your father gave to his family and children!

Samples of condolences for the death of a friend, colleague

Condolences to a colleague, employee, subordinate - not only a sign of good relations in the team, but also an element of business ethics in a healthy company. Condolences for a colleague are expressed in the same way as condolences for a friend, relative, or someone close to you. The examples below focus attention precisely on a professional status- boss, responsible specialist, prominent official, public figure...

• It is with deep regret that I learned about the tragic/untimely/sudden death of the president of your company, Mr. [Last Name-Patronymic]. His contribution to the formation/development/prosperity of your company is well known and indisputable. The management of [Company Name] and our colleagues, saddened by the bitter news, convey their condolences for the loss of a respected and talented leader.
• Let me express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of [position] Mrs. [Last name-First name-Patronymic]. Her professionalism, competence and dedication earned her the genuine respect of all who worked with her. Please accept our sincere condolences for your grief and sympathy for your irreparable loss.
• I am deeply shocked by the news of the death of [position, First Name and Patronymic]. Let me express my most sincere sympathy to you personally and all the employees of your company. My colleagues, having learned of the tragedy/grief/misfortune, share deep sadness regarding his/her passing.

Anyone who loses a loved one asks the question: “What more can I do for my loved one?” And indeed, when our loved ones get sick, we rush to help, go to the hospital, buy food, medicine; if they are in some other trouble, we also help as much as we can. And this sympathy expresses our love and condolences for them.

But the deceased person is no less, and perhaps even more, in need of our care.

A person does not disappear as a person with brain death and cardiac arrest. In addition to the body (temporary shell), he has an eternal, immortal soul. “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living” (Matthew 22:32). And it is the soul that constitutes the essence of man. And we love (if we really love) our loved one not for the beauty of the body and physical strength, but for the qualities of the soul. Intelligence, kindness, character, love - all these are qualities of the soul of our loved one, what makes up his image. The body is a person’s clothing, it ages, gets sick, changes, irreversible processes happen to it. Sometimes, looking at the remains lying in a coffin, we cannot even recognize a familiar appearance in them, so the deceased changes. And the soul has no age, it is immortal. It’s not for nothing that they say: “He is young at heart,” but the man is already over 60.

Since our neighbor is immortal, he also needs our help and support there, beyond the boundaries of earthly life. So, what does he expect from us, and how can we help him?

Nothing earthly, of course, no longer interests the departed. They don’t need expensive tombstones, lavish funerals, etc. They need only one thing - our fervent prayer for the repose of their souls and the forgiveness of their voluntary and involuntary sins. The deceased himself can no longer pray for himself. Saint Theophan the Recluse says that the departed need prayers, “like a poor person needs a piece of bread and a cup of water.”

We must pray, repent of sins, and begin the sacraments of the Church in our earthly life, and it is given to us as preparation for eternal life, and when a person dies, the outcome of his life has already been summed up, he cannot in any way change it for the better. The deceased can only count on the prayers of the Church and those who knew and loved him during his lifetime. And through the prayers of relatives and friends, the Lord can change the fate of the deceased. Evidence of this is countless cases from Church Tradition and the lives of saints. An amazing incident is described in the ancient life of St. Gregory Dvoeslov. The saint had the boldness to pray for the repose of the cruel persecutor of Christianity - Emperor Trajan. But Trajan not only initiated persecution of Christians (for he did not know what he was doing), he was a fair and merciful ruler, and had great concern for his poor subjects. Saint Gregory learned that the emperor had protected a widow in distress, and took upon himself the feat of praying for him. It was revealed to him from God that his prayer was accepted. This example (and many others) is a great consolation and inspires us in our prayers for the departed. Even if the deceased was far from the Church, he can receive relief from his fate through the fervent, tearful prayer of his loved ones.

Another very important point: if the person who left us did not live a church life, or we know that his life was far from the commandments of God, loving relatives should be especially attentive to their own soul. We are all interconnected with our family and friends, as parts of a single organism: “If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it” (1 Cor. 12:26). If some organ is inactive, a person’s other senses become aggravated, other organs take on additional load and its functions. And if our loved one did not have time to do something in spiritual life, we must make up for it for him. By this we will save our soul and bring great benefit to his soul. There is a military song about a deceased pilot, whose comrade says that he lives on earth “for himself and for that guy.” And our life for others, in memory of someone, can be expressed in our fervent prayer, in the acquisition of Christian virtues, in generous alms in memory of the deceased.

It often happens that people who very rarely went to church, lived a carefree, worldly life, having lost a loved one, come to Church and become real Orthodox Christians. Their life changes completely; through sorrow they come to God. And, of course, they spend their entire lives praying for their deceased relatives. God works in mysterious ways.

Believers and people far from the Church perceive the loss of loved ones in completely different ways. Sometimes you happen to attend the funeral of non-church people and observe what a painful sight it is. Once I participated in the funeral service of a famous neurosurgeon and a very good person. The Lord took him when he was still young, after a sudden, fleeting illness, at the peak of his medical activity. And so, when the funeral speeches of his colleagues began, one could observe what confusion and numbness the sacrament of death plunges non-church people into. Almost everyone considered it their duty to begin the word something like this: “What a terrible injustice... How early and suddenly the deceased left us... How much more he could have done,” etc. It is clear that such speeches cannot bring comfort to the relatives and friends of the deceased, rather, on the contrary, they will further aggravate their grief. Even if you don’t believe in anything, you can simply say kind, warm words to a friend and colleague. Why is this happening? Why are people so confused in the face of death and avoid even mentioning, even thinking about it in everyday life? From fear and uncertainty. Death frightens them; they do not know what awaits them. Is there life there? Or do we live only here in the material world? How to prepare for death and relate to it is a sealed mystery for non-believers. Even the usual wish for official speeches: “May he rest in peace,” is fraught with a hidden question: is this really all: a body in the ground - and nothing else?

With the death of loved ones, people who are far from faith often fall into despair, despondency, and black melancholy. That's it, life is over, if my loved one is no longer there, he has ceased to exist, life no longer makes sense. This is not to say that believers do not mourn the death of loved ones, but they approach death completely differently. Christian sadness is bright, we know that a person lives forever, that death is only separation, that his life continues, but in a different capacity. We know that we are connected to the deceased by bonds of prayer and love. We cannot say: “There was a man - and there is no man.” If we loved our neighbor during life, then after death we continue to love him. “Love never fails,” says the Apostle Paul (1 Cor. 13:8). Whenever I have had to lose loved ones, I have always been left with a feeling of separation, not of an end. It was as if they had gone somewhere very far away, but not forever, not forever.

Excessive grief is also unacceptable because it not only destroys our own soul (despondency is one of the eight deadly sins), but also prevents us from praying for the departed. An emptiness, a vacuum, forms in the soul of a despondent person; he cannot do anything at all, much less pray. But our loved one so needs our help! And with despondency, depression, melancholy, we will not only not help him, but, perhaps, we will bring suffering. For the sake of our loved ones, we must pull ourselves together, calm down as much as possible and put all our strength into prayer. Especially before the 40th day, a deceased person needs fervent prayers.

The human soul, leaving the body, experiences anxiety and fear: it is accustomed to living in its home for many years, it does not know what awaits it, where the Lord will determine it. After death, a person gives an answer for his entire life, and here his future fate is determined. And it is very important to support the soul of a loved one by remembering at the Divine Liturgy, reading the Psalter, and the cell rule.

Very often, the relatives of the deceased think that if they do not show their grief to others, everyone will think that they did not love the deceased, and sometimes one can simply observe a heartbreaking sight with hysterics, lamentations and howls over the deceased. This is especially practiced in villages where the traditions of special mourners are still preserved. People drive themselves into complete frenzy. What kind of prayer is that?! True grief and grief, as a rule, pass quietly and almost unnoticed by others. It happens that people who are too heartbroken and weeping for the deceased actually feel more sorry for themselves: how poor, unhappy and lonely they are now.

All these traditions we inherited from pagan rituals and, of course, are incompatible with Orthodoxy.

And we, Orthodox Christians, need to dissolve our grief with Christian hope that if we ourselves are saved and save our loved ones with our prayer, then, we dare to believe, we will have a meeting with them there, in another life. And if they reach the Kingdom of Heaven, they will definitely pray there for us.

We all know how difficult it is to find yourself in a situation where you need to console someone, but you can’t find the right words.

Fortunately, most often people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, using the following phrases: “I know that it’s very difficult for you now,” “I’m sorry that it’s so difficult for you.” This way you will make it clear that you really see what it’s like for your loved one right now.

2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.

But be careful, don’t draw all the attention to yourself, don’t try to prove that it was even worse for you. Briefly mention that you have been in a similar position before, and ask more about the condition of the person you are comforting.

3. Help your loved one understand the problem

Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to talk it out. This especially applies to women.

So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting understand their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. By answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.

Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:

• Tell me what happened.
• Tell me what's bothering you.
• What led to this?
• Help me understand how you feel.
• What scares you the most?

At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word “why”; they are too similar to judgment and will only anger the interlocutor.

4. Don’t minimize the other person’s suffering and don’t try to make him laugh.

When we encounter the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don't minimize another person's suffering.

What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any information that conflicts with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.

5. Offer physical support if appropriate.

Sometimes people don’t want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.

Your actions should correspond to your usual behavior with a particular person. If you are not too close, putting your hand on your shoulder or giving him a light hug will suffice. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.

Remember that you should not be too zealous when you console: your partner may take it for flirting and be offended.

6. Suggest ways to solve the problem

If a person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.

Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often this happens, suggest going to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.

If your advice is needed, ask first if the interlocutor himself has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is themselves in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting is unclear about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn’t know what to do at all, offer your options.

If a person is sad not because of a specific event, but because he has a problem, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something, like going for a walk together. Unnecessary thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.

7. Promise to continue to support

At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how difficult it is for your loved one right now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.

When we are young and full of hope for the future, it is difficult to grasp the fact that death is also a part of life. Entering adulthood, we inevitably encounter it: unfortunately, our grandparents are not eternal, and younger relatives and friends are not all in good health; some of them may have an accident or die. It is impossible to come to terms with the idea that someone’s death will one day inevitably enter our lives, but sooner or later it will happen. We may not think about death at all, but if misfortune happens to one of our loved ones or friends, we need to know how to behave in these difficult days of life and how to express condolences over the death so as not to offend the feelings of those who are experiencing the worst. loss. Through our words and actions, we must help people cope with the grief that has affected their family with dignity.

How to Express Condolences for a Death

As soon as it becomes known about someone's death or accidental death, those who knew the deceased closely should come to the family that has suffered misfortune to express condolences to the family and offer their assistance in organizing the funeral and wake.

Even those who have not experienced how painful it is to lose a loved one can imagine what a blow it is. At such moments, you want to support someone who has suffered a truly unbearable loss, but it is very difficult to find words that could express this understanding and sympathy. Therefore, many people have a hard time expressing condolences about death. The text should not contain words such as "died", "killed" or "death". Try to avoid dryness and find some sincere comforting words. But if you still find it difficult to come up with something yourself, refer to the examples below.

If you learn of a death in the family of a close friend while you are away from them, send a letter of condolences. Such letters are usually written only by hand in black ink on white paper and sent in a plain white envelope. And remember that such a letter must be sent within 2-3 days after receiving news of death. If you send it later, instead of comforting it, it will cause new tears.

Condolences on death, examples

“We understand how much he meant to you. It is very difficult to lose such a wonderful person. He brought us so much warmth and love. We will never forget him. We mourn with you."

“I am very sorry that he left us. I sincerely sympathize with you. If I can help you with anything, I will be very glad..."

“This tragedy causes pain to all of us. But of course, it affected you the most. My condolences. And you can always count on my help..."

“Only now, to my great regret, have I realized how unworthy all my quarrels and disagreements with this wonderful man were. I beg you to forgive me and accept my regrets and condolences.”

“It’s hard to put into words how hard it is for me right now. But you suffer much more. Let me help you somehow, to share your grief."

“His death is an irreparable loss for all of us. This is a terrible tragedy. After all, he was such a kind, loving and sympathetic person. He did so much good in his life for everyone. We will never forget him."

But remember, these are just examples to help you if you don't know how to express condolences over a death.

Real words of condolences must be sincere and come from a pure heart. Put all your compassion and love into them. Hug your relatives and shake their hands. Be sure to offer them help and support if needed. Do everything to help them recover from everything they have experienced.