Юмористические рассказы на английском языке с переводом. История на английском про мальчика, который научился видеть
Taking a walk in a park a colonel of a rather gloomy disposition saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. Having noticed the colonel from a distance, the lieutenant hid himself behind a tree.
The next day the colonel asked:
– Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?
– Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir, – answered the lieutenant.
Прогуливаясь в парке, один суровый полковник увидел лейтенанта своего полка в гражданской одежде с молодой особой. Издали заметив полковника, лейтенант спрятался за дерево.
На следующий день полковник спрашивает:
– Почему я видел вас вчера вечером в парке в штатском?
– Потому, что дерево было недостаточно толстым, сэр, – ответил лейтенант.
Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle – information goes in and then it is never found again.
Студент: Мозги как Бермудский треугольник – информация в него попадает и больше никогда не находится.
Why did you leave your last job?
The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
Почему вы оставили предыдущее место работы?
Компания переехала и не сообщила мне куда.
Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on. He found they were far too long.
He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. “The new trousers are too long? – he said. – They need shortening. Would any of you be so kind and do it for me, please?”
As soon as dinner was over and his mother had shortened the trousers to the same size as his old ones. It happened that she did not mention about it to her daughters.
Later on? the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind-hearted person and wanted to do him a favour, so she considerably shortened the trousers.- Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir, – answered the lieutenant.
Returning home from the cinema, the younger sister suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off each leg of the new trousers.
Однажды молодой человек отправился по магазинам и купил себе брюки. Придя домой, он поднялся в свою комнату и примерил их. И увидел, что они слишком длинны для него.
Спустившись в столовую, где его ждали к обеду мать и две сестры, он сказал: “Мои новые брюки слишком длинны. Их надо укоротить. Не сделает ли это кто-нибудь из вас? Я буду очень благодарен.”
Как только обед кончился, мать вымыла посуду, пошла в комнату сына и укоротила брюки по длине ношеных. Случилось так, что она об этом дочерям ничего не сказала.
Немного позже старшая сестра вспомнила просьбу брата. Она была добросердечной девушкой, хотела оказать любезность брату и основательно укоротила брюки.
Вернувшись из кино, младшая сестра вдруг вспомнила просьбу брата. Она поторопилась подняться в его комнату и отрезала по большому куску от каждой штанины новых брюк.
Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: You will go to jail.
Учитель: Я убил человека. Переделай это предложение в будущее время.
Студент: Ты пойдёшь в тюрьму.
An energetic American tourist had come to visit the Warwick Castle in England. When the doorkeeper made his appearance, the American was studying his guide-book.
– Tell me, – the American said to the caretaker, – have you that famous vase still here? (shows its photo in the guide-book).
– Yes, sir, – was the reply.
– And the table that costs 10.000 dollars?
– Yes, sir.
– And have you still that portrait of Charles I by Vandyck?
– Oh yes, sir, – said the doorkeeper, – they are all here. Won’t you come in and see them?
– No, I won’t, I have no time to lose, – replied the visitor. – As they are here right enough and I have seen them in my guide-book I can go on visiting other castles and museums. Good morning – and he hurried away.
Однажды во дворец Варвик в Англии явился энергичный американский турист. Когда привратник подошел к нему, американец изучал свой путеводитель.
– Скажите мне, – обратился американец к привратнику, – эта знаменитая ваза (показывает ее фотографию в путеводителе) все еще здесь?
– Да, сэр, – был ответ.
– А стол, который стоит десять тысяч долларов?
– Да, сэр.
– А портрет Карла Первого работы Ван-Дейка тоже еще здесь?
– О да, сэр, – сказал привратник, – все они здесь. Не зайдете ли вы на них посмотреть?
– Нет, не зайду. Я не могу терять времени, – ответил посетитель. – Поскольку все они на месте и я их видел в своем путеводителе, я могу продолжить посещения других дворцов и музеев. До свидания. И он поспешил уйти.
Wife: If a Monster was my husband, I would have been much happier with him than with you…
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!
Жена: если бы я вышла замуж за монстра, мне было бы с ним намного лучше, чем с тобой…
Муж: но браки по кровному родству не разрешены.
A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».
Короткие рассказы на английском языке (short English stories)- адаптированные и в оригинале. Для начинающих, продолжающих и совершенствующихся. Для тех, кто только начинает изучение английского языка или тех, кто не хочет забыть его. Лучшие рассказы английских и американских писателей с захватывающими сюжетами особенно подойдут тем, кто изучает английский язык самостоятельно.
Если Вы заглянули на эту страничку, дорогой читатель, значит Вы хотите прочитать что-нибудь на английском языке. Вы можете выбрать книгу, рассказ или небольшое произведение , а заодно и посмотреть его экранизацию. Давайте вместе совершим путешествие во времени, скажем, в век XVIII, познакомимся с эпохой, ее типичными характерами, а заодно и с величайшими писателями, которые жили в то время. Они говорят с нами через несколько веков, вложив слова в уста героев своих произведений. Хорошая книга — понятие относительное. Ведь вкусы у нас разные, поэтому и произведения на нашем сайте Вы найдете разные. Однако несомненно одно — все книги, которые мы предлагаем, достойны того, чтобы их читать. Ведь это не просто лучшие книги на английском языке — это классика английской и американской литературы. Итак, открываем книгу и отправляемся в другой мир. Не потеряйтесь!
Всем известно, смех — лучшее лекарство от стресса. Совместите приятное с полезным: читайте эти короткие забавные истории и практикуйте свой английский с удовольствием.
Если вам надо написать мистическую историю на английском языке, отдельно я подготовила
My meeting with a traffic cop
Моя встреча с гаишником — Забавная история из жизни
It was seven years ago.
I was driving to work.
I drove up to the office and broke a traffic rule — I crossed a double solid line on the road.
At that time, a police officer was standing on the street.
I thought he saw me go over the double lines.
But he kept standing.
I drove further slowly because I was near my office.
At that time, a car backed up.
The driver didn’t see my car, and smashed into it.
That police officer ran up to us and said to me:
«I have seen everything: you violated traffic rules, you have a dead body in your trunk, and drugs in your car.
Can I see your driver’s license?»
I’m standing, I’m hearing, and I can’t say anything.
Then he laughed and said: “Miss, please smile, you looked so upset that I had to tell you something to cheer you up” and let me go.
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
Это было 7 лет назад.
Я ехала на работу.
Я уже подъехала к офису, но нарушила правила дорожного движения — пересекла двойную сплошную линию.
А там как раз стоял сотрудник ГАИ.
Я думала, он видел как я пересекла сплошную.
Но он продолжал стоять.
Тут подбегает гаишник и говорит:
« Я всё видел — вы нарушили правила, у вас в багажнике труп и наркотики.
Можно ваши водительские права?»
Я стою слушаю и не могу ничего сказать.
Тут он рассмеялся и сказал: «Девушка улыбнитесь, вы стоите такая расстроенная, я должен был вас хоть как то рассмешить/приободрить», после чего отпустил меня.
Fortune and the man
One day a man was walking along the street. He carried an old bag in his hands. He was wondering why people who had so much money were never satisfied and always wanted more. “As to me,” he said, “if I had enough to eat, I should not ask for anything else.”
Just at this moment Fortune came down the street. She heard the man and stopped.
“Listen,” she said, “I want to help you. Hold your bag, and I shall pour diamonds into it. But every diamond which falls on the ground will become dust. Do you understand?”
“Oh, yes, I understand,” said the man. He quickly opened his bag and stream of diamonds was poured into it. The bag began to grow heavy. “Is that enough?” asked Fortune. “Not yet.” The man’s hand’s began to tremble.
“You are the richest man in the world now.” Said Fortune.
“Just a few more, and a few more,” said the man. Another diamond was added and the bag slipped. All the diamonds fell on the ground and became dust.
Fortune disappeared, leaving the man in the street.
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
Однажды бедняк шел по улице. В его руках был старый мешок. Он шел и думал: «Почему люди, у которых очень много денег никогда не бывают довольными и все время хотят иметь больше денег.»
«Как по мне», думал он, если б мне хватало только на пропитание, мне и не нужно было ничего большего.»
В этот момент Судьба проходила мимо него. Она услышала бедняка и остановилась.
«Слушай» — сказала она, «Я хочу тебе помочь. Давай свой мешок, я наполню его бриллиантами. Но если хоть один бриллиант упадет на землю, всё содержимое мешка превратится в пыль. Понимаешь?
«О конечно, понимаю», — ответил бедняк. Он быстро открыл свой мешок и бриллианты посыпались в его мешок. Мешок становился тяжелым.
«Достаточно?» спросила Судьба.
«Нет еще» — ответил мужик, руки его задрожали.
«Ты самый богатый человек на свете» — сказала Судьба.
«Еще! Еще немного!» сказал бедняк.
В этот момент очередной бриллиант упал в переполненный мешок.
Мешок выскользнул из рук бедняка и упал на землю, а бриллианты стали в тот же миг пылью.
Судьба исчезла, оставив бедняка на улице.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Everyone has heard of Sherlock Holmes. Everyone has read stories about Sherlock Holmes at one time or another. Sherlock Holmes was a famous detective. Actually, he was the most famous detective of all times.
The author of the Sherlock Holmes stories was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Once Sir Arthur arrived in Paris. He took a cab and asked the cabman to take him to the Ritz, the hotel where he was going to spend the night.
The cabman brought him to the hotel. When he received the fare he said:
“Thank you very much, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“How do you know who I am?” asked Sir Arthur. He was very much surprised.
“Well, sir, I read in the newspaper yesterday that you were coming to Paris from the South of France. I also noticed that your hair was cut by a barber in the South of France. Your clothes and especialy your hat told me that you were English. I put all the information together and quessed that you were Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“That is wonderful,” said Sir Arthur.
“You could recognize me though you knew very few facts.”
“Besides,” added the cabman. Your name is on both of your travelling bags. That also helped.”
So, the cabman played a good joke on Conan Doyle.
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
Все слышали о Шерлоке Холмсе. В то или иное время все читали рссказы о Шерлоке Холмсе. Шерлок Холмс был известный детективом.Собственно, он был самым известным детективом всех времен.
Автором рассказов Шерлока Холмса был сэр Артур Конан Дойл. Однажды сэр Артур прибыл в Париж. Он взял такси и попросил таксиста отвезти его в Ритц, в гостиницу, где он собирался провести ночь. Извозчик привез его в гостиницу. Когда он получил оплату за проезд, он сказал:
«Большое вам спасибо, сэр Артур Конан Дойл».
«Откуда вы знаете, кто я?» — спросил сэр Артур. Он был очень удивлен.
«Что ж, сэр, вчера я прочитал в газете, что вы едете в Париж с юга Франции. Я также заметил, что вы пострижены парикмахером на юге Франции.
Ваша одежда и особенно ваша шляпа говорят, что вы англичанин Я собрал всэти факты вместе и понял, что вы сэр Артур Конан Дойл.
«Замечательно», — сказал сэр Артур. «Вы смогли меня узнать зная очень мало фактов».
«Кроме того», — добавил извозчик, «Ваше имя находится на обеих ваших дорожных сумках. Это тоже помогло.»
Таким образом извозчик хорошо пошутил над Конан Дойлем.
Honesty is the best policy
A woodman was once working on the bank of a deep river. Suddenly his axe slipped from his hand and dropped into the water.
“Oh! I have lost my axe,” he cried. “What shall I do? Who can help me?”
Mercury heard the poor man’s cries and appeared before him.
‘What is the matter, poor woodman?” he asked. “What has happened? Why are you so sad and unhappy?”
Mercury listened to the man’s story and then said, “Perhaps I can help you.” He dived into the river and brought up a golden axe. “Is this yours?” he asked. “No, that is not mine,” was the answer.
Mercury dived a second time and this time brought up a silver axe. “Is this yours?” he asked. Again the answer was “No.” So Mercury dived a third time and brought up the very axe that the woodman had lost. “That’s my axe,” cried the man. “Yes, that is my axe. Now I can work again.”
Mercury was so pleased with the follow’s honesty that at once he made him a present of the other two axes and disappeared before the man could say, “Thank you”.
The woodman went home very pleased with his good luck. He told his friends all about it and one of them decided to try his luck. So he went to the same place, dropped his axe into the river, and cried out: “Oh! I have lost my axe. What shall I do? Who can help me?”
Mercury appeared as before, and when he learnt that man had lost his axe, he dived into the river. Again he brought up a golden axe. “Is this yours”? he asked.
“Yes, it is,” answered the woodman. “You are not telling me the truth,” said Mercury.
You will neither have this axe nor the one that you so foolishly dropped into the water.”
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
Однажды дровосек работал на берегу глубоководной реки. Вдруг топор выскользнул из его рук и упал в воду.
«Ой! Я потерял топор, — воскликнул он. «Что мне делать? Кто может мне помочь?»
Меркурий услышал крики бедняка и предстал перед ним.
«Что случилось, бедняга?» — спросил он. «Что произошло? Почему ты такой грустный и несчастный?
Меркурий выслушал рассказ человека, а затем сказал: «Возможно, я могу тебе помочь». Он нырнул в реку и поднял золотой топор. «Это твой топор?» — спросил он. «Нет, это не мой», — был ответ дровосека. Меркурий нырнул во второй раз, и на этот раз он поднял серебряный топор. «Это твой?» — спросил он. Опять ответ был «Нет». Меркурий нырнул в третий раз и поднял тот топор, который потерял дровосек. «Это мой топор, — воскликнул бедняк. «Да, это мой топор. Теперь я могу снова работать ».
Меркурий был так доволен честностью приятеля, что тотчас же сделал ему подарок из двух других топоров и исчез, прежде чем мужчина мог сказать: «Спасибо».
Дровосек вернулся домой очень довольный своей удачей. Он рассказал своим друзьям обо всем этом, и один из них решил попробовать свою удачу. Он подошел к тому же месту, уронил топор в реку и закричал: «Ой! Я потерял топор. Что мне делать? Кто может мне помочь?»
Меркурий появился, как и прежде, и когда он узнал, что человек потерял топор, нырнул в реку. Он поднял золотой топор. «Это твой топор»? — спросил он.
«Да, это мой», ответил дровосек. «Ты говоришь неправду,»- сказал Меркурий.
Ты не получишь и этот топор, и свой, который ты по глупости кинул в воду».
A present from the son
Long ago there lived an old woman in England. She had a son who was a sailor. He went to different countries and always brought presents for his old mother.
Once he went to China and brought some tea from that country.
At that time tea was very expensive and only rich people could buy and drink it. So the old woman was very happy to have such a nice present. But she didn’t know what to do with it as she had never bought tea before. She thought it was a vegetable. She told her friends about her son’s present and invited them to taste it with her. At last the day of the tea-party came. The woman called her guests to the dining-room and put a big dish of tea leaves on the table. The guests began to eat the leaves with salt just as they ate vegetables. Nobody liked it but didn’t tell the woman about it and continued to eat the leaves.
Some tome later the sailor came into the room. When he saw that all the guests were eating leaves, he smiled.
“What are you doing? Why are eating these leaves? Where is the tea?”
“Here it is, my son,” the old woman said.
“And where is the water in which you have boiled the leaves?” asked the man laughing.
“I threw it away, of course,” answered the woman.
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
Давным-давно в Англии жила одна пожилая женщина. У нее был сын, который был матросом. Он ездил в разные страны и всегда привозил подарки своей старой матери.
Однажды он отправился в Китай и привез из этой страны чай. В то время чай был очень дорогим, и только богатые люди могли купить и пить такой чай. Поэтому старушка была очень счастлива иметь такой приятный подарок. Но она не знала, что с делать с таким чаем, поскольку она никогда не покупала его раньше. Она подумала, что это овощ.
Она рассказала своим друзьям о подарке сына и пригласила их попробовать этот чай. Наконец настал день чайной вечеринки. Женщина позвала своих гостей в столовую и положила на стол большое блюдо из чайных листьев. Гости стали есть листья с солью, как они делали это, когда ели овощи. Никто не понравилось, но никто не сказал об этом старушке, а продолжали есть листья.
Некоторое время спустя сын вошел в комнату.
Когда он увидел, что все гости ели листья, он улыбнулся.
«Что вы делаете?
Зачем вы едите эти листья?
А где чай?»
«Вот он, мой сын,» — сказала старушка.
«А где вода, в которой вы заварили листья?» — спросил сын, смеясь.
«Разумеется, я вылила ее, — ответила мать.
I’m four years old at home, and two and a half in buses and trains
A mother and her young son got into a bus and sat down. The bus conductor came up to them and asked them to pay the fare. The mother said, ‘I want one ticket to Oxford,’ and gave him a shilling.
The conductor was looking at the small boy for a few seconds and then said, ‘How old are you, young man?’
The mother began speaking, but the conductor stopped her, and the boy said, ‘I’m four years old at home, and two and a half in buses and trains.’
The mother took sixpence more out of her bag and gave it to the bus conductor.
He gave her one ticket and a half.
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
В автобус вошла молодая женщина с маленьким ребенком и села на сидение. К ним подошел кондуктор автобуса и попросил оплатить проезд. Протягивая один шиллинг женщина произносит: «Мне нужен один билет до Оксфорда».
Посмотрев на ребенка, кондуктор спросил маму: «Сколько Вам лет, молодой человек?».
Женщина начала было говорить, но кондуктор остановил ее и мальчик произнес: «Дома мне четыре годика, а в автобусах и поездах — мне 2.5».
Женщина доставила из сумки еще шесть пенсов и отдала кондуктору. А тот дал ей один взрослый и один детский билет.
I prefer to play the part of a great man on the stage
Once David Garrick, a famous actor, was told by a Member of Parliament that as he was so popular he could easily become an MP too. “No thank you,” the actor replied. “I prefer to play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool in Parliament.”
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
Поскольку Дэвид Гаррик был известным актером, однажды, один из членов парламента сказал ему, что актер так же мог с легкостью вступить в парламент.
«Нет, спасибо», ответил актер.
«Я предпочитаю играть роль великого человека на сцене, чем дурака в парламенте.»
Can my dog have a seat in the bus?
One wet day a woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a very big dog and its feet were dirty.
The woman said, “Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog, can he have a seat like the other passengers?”
The conductor looked at the dog and then said, “Certainly, madam, he can have a seat, but like the other passengers, he mustn’t put his feet on it.”
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
В один дождливый день в автобус села женщина с собакой. Собака была очень большая и с грязными лапами. Женщина спросила: «Кондуктор, может ли сесть собака на сидение, как другие пассажиры, если я заплачу за ее проезд?»
Кондуктор посмотрела на собаку и ответила: «Конечно, мадам, собака может сесть, но она, как и все пассажиры не должна сидеть ногами на сидении.»
Why do men in this country wear black when they marry?
Mrs. Robinson was a teacher in a big school in an American city. She had boys and girls in her class, and she always enjoyed teaching them, because they were quick and because they thought about everything carefully.
One day she said to the children: “People in a lot of countries in Asia wear white clothes at funerals, but people in America and in Europe wear white clothes when they’re happy, what color does a woman in this country wear when she marries, Mary?”
Mary said, “White, Miss because she’s happy.”
“That’s good, Mary,” Mrs. Robinson said. “You’re quite right. She wears white because she’s happy.”
But then one of the boys in the class put his hand up.
“Yes, Dick,” Mrs. Robinson said. “Do you want to ask a question?”
“Yes, Miss,” Dick said. “Why do men in this country wear black when they marry?”
ПЕРЕВОД ТЕКСТА
Миссис Робинсон была учителем в большой школе в американском городе. В классе у нее были мальчики и девочки, которых она обожала учить, т.к. они всё схватывали на лету и тщательно изучали материал. Как то она сказала детям:
«Люди многих азиатских стран одевают белые одежды на похороны, в то время как в Америке и Европе мы одеваем белую одежду на праздник, когда мы счастливы. Какого цвета оденет девушка одежду в нашей стране когда она выходит замуж?»
«Белую, Мисс, потому что она счастлива» — ответила Мария.
«Хорошо, Мария» — сказала миссис Робинсон. «Ты абсолютно права. Она одевает белое потому что, она счастлива».
Но тут один из учеников в классе поднял руку.
«Да, Дик» — сказала миссис Робинсон. «Ты хочешь задать вопрос?»
«Да, Мисс,» — ответил Дик.
«Почему у нас мужчины одевают черную одежду, когда они женятся?»
Doctor: Could you pay for an operation if I thought that it was necessary?
Patient: Would you think the operation was necessary if I couldn"t pay for it?
Teacher: Tom, your homework, in which you wrote about a cat, is very much like your brother"s story. How is that?
Tom: Nothing strange about that, we have only one cat at home.
Little Girl: Mother, my cat can talk.
Little Girl: I ask her what is two minus two and she says nothing.
Mother: What are you jumping up and down for, Paul?
Paul: I took my medicine and forgot to shake the bottle.
Hello! Is that Ted Wells?
Yes. Who is speaking?
Who? I don"t hear.
I say Sam: Sid, Ada, Mary. Do you hear?
Yes, I do. But which of you three is speaking now?
Mother: You are seven today. Happy birthday to you, Tommy.
Tommy: Thank you, Mummy.
Mother: Do you like to have a cake with seven candles on it for your birthday par-ty?
Tommy: I think I better have seven cakes and one candle, Mummy.
Tourist: Excuse me, but does this bus stop at Tenth Street?
Passenger: Yes. Watch me and get of one station before I do.
Tourist: Thank you.
Are you still looking for your dog, Bill?
Why don"t you put an advertisement in the paper?
What"s the use! The dog can"t read.
The waitress brought the soup to everyone in the dining-room of a small hotel. Mr. Smith got the last plate, and the waitress stayed for a moment beside his table; she was looking out of the window.
“It looks like rain,” she said.
“Yes,” said Mr. Smith (he had tasted the soup), “and it tastes like rain too.”
Mr. Gray was on holiday by the sea. He was staying in a small hotel but it was not о good hotel. The meals were very small. One day he sat down to dinner. His plate looked wet. He held it up to the waiter and said, “This plate is wet. Please bring me another.” “That"s your soup, sir,” replied the waiter.
At last the visitor had to say something about food.
“I don"t like this pie, Mrs. Fiddles,” he said. “Oh, don"t you?” said the angry landlady. “I was making pies before you were born.” “Perhaps this is one of them.”
“I"m doing very well in my driving lessons,” Betty said. “Yesterday I went 50 miles per hour. Tomorrow I"m going to try to open my eyes when I pass another car.”
The policeman stopped a woman driver for going too fast.
“When I saw you coming round that corner, I said to myself, “At least 45” the officer told her.
“Well,” was the answer. “I always look older in this hat.”
“Why were you driving too fast, madam?” the policeman asked.
“My breaks aren"t very good”, she answered, “and I was hurrying home before I had an accident
A gentleman was sitting quietly in a first-class compartment. Two ladies got in. One of them saw that the window was open, and she shut it
before sitting down.
“Open it again,” said the second lady. “I"ll die of suffocation if there is no fresh air.”
“I won"t open it,” said the first lady. “I"ll die of cold if the window is open.”
A quarrel started, and it continued until the gentleman-spoke:
“Let"s have the window shut until this lady has died of suffocation, and then we can have it open until this lady has died of cold. After that it will be nice and quiet in here again.”
The young doctor had just finished his train-ing. He didn"t know what the patient"s illness was.
“Have you had this before?” he asked.
“Yes, doctor.”
“Oh! Well! You"ve got it again.”
John Smith couldn"t sleep, so his doctor gave him some sleeping pills. He took a pill that night.
He felt well when he woke up, and he went to work cheerfully.
“I slept very well last night,” he told his boss.
“That"s good,” his boss said. “But where were you yesterday?”
“My boyfriend is wonderful,” said Helen. “He is rather nice, I must say,” said Kate. “He tells everyone that he is going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world,” said Helen.
“I am so sorry,” said Kate. “Perhaps he will change his mind and marry you after all.”
When a girl shows a ring and says that she is going to be married, it is usual to ask: “Who"s the lucky man?” It"s a silly question because everybody knows that the lucky man is her fa-ther.
“I love you so much! Do you think you could live on my salary?”
“Of course I could. But what would you live on?”
Mr. Brown finished his breakfast. Then he asked the waiter to bring the manager of the hotel.
"Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" said the manager when he arrived.
"You must have a very clean kitchen here," said Mr. Brown.
"That is very kind of you to say so, sir,” said the manager. "But what makes you think we have a very clean kitchen?"
"Well," replied Mr. Brown, "everything tastes of soap."
"What"s the meaning of this fly in my
"I don"t know, sir. I"m a waiter, not a fortune teller."
A man was just finishing his lunch in a restaurant. The waitress asked if he would like coffee.
"Yes, please," he replied.
The waitress went away but came back quickly and asked, "With cream or with-out, sir?"
"Without cream," he replied.
Then, after a much longer wait, the waitress returned. "I"m very sorry," she said. "There is no more cream. Will you have it without milk?"
Little Tommy liked to ask questions. One day he asked his father one more question. His father did not know the answer. "Don"t ask me so many ques-tions," he said. "You have already asked me nearly a hundred questions today. I didn"t ask my father half as many ques-tions."
"Well, Daddy, perhaps you would know more of the answers to my questions if you had asked more," said Tommy.
Mr. and Mrs. White had a very good table in their dining-room. It was made of the best wood. When Mr. and Mrs. Brown visited the Whites, little Tommy White was hammering nail after nail into the costly table.
"Isn"t that a rather expensive game?" Mr. Brown asked.
"Oh, no," Mr. White answered. "I get the nails at the shop on the corner. They are really quite cheap."
Billy didn"t ask for a cake. He reached past the lady visitor and took one.
"Billy!" said his mother sharply. "Haven"t you got a tongue?"
"Yes, Mum," Billy replied. "But it won"t reach as far as the cakes."
How Many Were There?
The police in a big city were looking for a robber. One day they caught him and took him to prison. But while they were taking photo-graphs of him — from the front, from the left, from the right, with a hat, without a hat — he suddenly attacked the policeman and ran away.
Then a week later the telephone rang in the police-station, and somebody said, “You’re look-ing for Bill Cross, aren’t you?”
“Well, he left here for Waterbridge an hour ago.”
Waterbridge was a small town 100 miles from the city. The city police immediately sent four different photographs of the robber to the police in Waterbridge. Less than twelve hours later they got a telephone call from the police in Waterbridge. “We have caught three of the men,” they said happily, “and we hope to catch the fourth this evening.”
The Sea on Strike
Many years ago, a London theatre performed a play with a terrible storm at sea in one of the scenes. The waves were made by some boys who jumped up and down under a large piece of green cloth. Each boy received a shilling a night for his work.
The play was very popular and the hall was usually full. But the director of the theatre wanted to make still more money from the performances, and he decided to lower the boys" pay from a shilling to sixpence. This made the boys angry, and they decided to go on strike for a shilling a night.
During the next performance, when the storm began, there was enough loud noise on the stage, but the sea was absolutely calm, not one wave could be seen. The theatre director immediately ran behind the stage, raised a corner of the green cloth and shouted, “Waves! Waves! Why aren"t you making waves?!” One of the boys sitting under the cloth asked him, “Do you want sixpenny waves or shilling waves?"
“All right, all right!" the director said. “I"ll give you a shilling, only give me the waves!”
Tremendous waves immediately began to appear on the sea, and everybody agreed that they had never seen a better storm in the theatre.
An Anecdote About Mark Twain
One of Mark Twain"s hobbies was fish-ing, and he used to go fishing even in the closed season when fishing was not al-lowed. Like many fishermen, he some-times invented stories about the number of fish he caught.
One day during the closed season, Mark Twain sat fishing under a little bridge. A man crossing the bridge saw him fishing there. The man stood watching Mark Twain fishing, and then he asked, “Have you caught many fish?"
“Not yet,” Mark Twain answered. “I"ve only just begun. But yesterday I caught thirty big fish here.”
“That"s very interesting,” the man said. “Do you know who I am?"
“No,” Mark Twain said. “I don"t think I ever saw you before."
“I"m the fishing inspector for this dis-trict," the man said.
"And do you know who I am?” Mark Twain asked quickly.
“No, of course not,” said the inspector.
"I am the biggest liar on the Mississip-pi,” Mark Twain told him.
Tea Leaves
There was a time when drinking tea was almost unknown in European countries; many people had never even heard of tea. This anecdote is about an old woman and her son, who lived at that time.
The woman"s son was a sailor, and every time he returned from a far-away country, he brought his mother a gift. Naturally, he tried to bring something unusual that she could show to her friends.
Once, the young man came back from India with a box of tea for his mother. She didn"t know anything about tea, but she liked the smell, and invited all her friends to come and taste it. When her son came into the room, he saw cakes and fruit and sweets on the table, and a big plate filled with tea-leaves. His mother and her friends were sitting round the table, eating the leaves with butter and salt. Though they all smiled, it was clear that they didn"t enjoy eating the leaves.
“Where is tea, Mother?” the sailor asked.
His mother pointed to the plate in the middle of the table.
“No, no, that is only the leaves of the tea,” the sailor said. “Where is the water?”
“The water!” his mother said. “I threw the water away, of course! out of the set!” He smiled to himself, lit his pipe and began reading his favourite book
Chemist"s Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It"s the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I"ll be damned if I didn"t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
